Dynasty Sesame Seed Oil (5oz.)

Item Purchased: Dynasty Sesame Seed Oil (5oz.)
Location Purchased: Jewel / 1224 S. Wabash Ave. / Chicago, IL
Price: $3.79 + tax

Review: Instead of "Dynasty," my receipt says "Synasty." A typo or a Fat Tuesday message? (shrug) I'm not Cajun or religious, so who knows. All I know is that moths and butterflies are a smart bunch for nourishing their larvae on sesame plants. Not to mention that the Japanese are a smart bunch of cooks for using the oil from sesame seeds to cook a lot of their dishes in. Virgin olive oil is great for some things, but when you want the dirtier, sluttier and stronger-tasting oil, go with sesame.

Dynasty Sesame Seed Oil has a earthy scent even before you crack the freshness seal and you can almost taste the nuttiness in whatever it is you are going to fry. Damn, that reminds me, I should have bought nuts for the noodle dish I am making tonight. That makes me want to smack a register! Unfortunately, sesame seed oil is fairly expensive when compared to its pure extra-virgin cousin. Ah well. It is Fat Tuesday!

Rating: 4 / 5

Buy some dirty earthy sesame oil from Amazon.com: Consume.

San-J Naturally Brewed Tamari Premium Soy Sauce (10 oz.)

Item Purchased: San-J Naturally Brewed Tamari Premium Soy Sauce (10 oz.)
Location Purchased: Jewel / 1224 S. Wabash Ave. / Chicago, IL
Price: $2.79 + tax

Review: If soy sauce were beer, Tamari would be the Guinness of the lot. Tamari soy sauce is made primarily from soybeans with very little wheat added, giving it a dark and spicy flavor. I love this musky sauce in an elaborate dish or splashed in a simple bowl of white rice. It only takes a little to enhance the flavor of almost any dish, but often times I find myself using quite a bit of it. At $2.79 for 10 ounces, I can't complain seeing as this bottle will probably last me several months.

Rating: 4.25 / 5

Buy some Tamari from Amazon.com: Consume.

Swanson Certified Organic Vegetarian Vegetable Broth (32 oz. box)

Item Purchased: Swanson Certified Organic Vegetarian Vegetable Broth (32 oz. box)
Location Purchased: Jewel / 1224 S. Wabash Ave. / Chicago, IL
Price: $3.56 + tax

Review: I wish they would sell boxed broths in smaller packages. I could have bought a can of this stuff, but sometimes I'm picky and I really don't like the taste of any canned vegetables... even if it is just the juice from vegetables. Canned veggies always have that fourmaldehyde tinny taste that makes me want to gag. I don't need very much of this stuff tonight. I'm making a simple noodle dish with green peppers sauteed in various oils and sauces with a little bit of garlic. The finishing touch is just a splash of this vegetable broth to give the dish a full flavor. I chose Swanson brand simply because it was the only organic variety available at the Jewel this morning. For being a healthy choice, there really isn't much nutrition in this stuff. It's more like water... maybe healthier than water. With this tasty stuff, you get 570mg of sodium per serving, 15 calories and a little tap of vitamin A. I'd say that's a bit healthier than the chlorine-drenched tap water I drink every day. I doubt I would ever use this stuff as a cold remedy or enjoy it on its own any other time, but I do recommend it as a flavor additive for virtually anything you cook on the stove.

Rating: 3.5 / 5

From the Weighted Consumers department:

While not a link or an official bit of consumer news, I thought I'd share with you the absurd scene that played out in front of me this morning at the grocery store.

There I was, waiting in line at the self checkout machines with my vegetable broth and soy sauce in tow. Most times, I prefer an actual person to process my purchases, but I only had a few items and the lines in the two other open checkout lanes were backed up into the aisles. I thought this would get me out of the store and to work on time. Of course, two of the three self-checkout machines in front of me were down for repair, but the capable-looking young woman at the remaining machine was almost finished.

Then she tried purchasing a bunch of bananas.

If you don't already know how a self-checkout machine works, don't worry... I'm sure you are smart enough to figure it out should you encounter one. Unfortunately, the woman in front of me was not. It seemed that she had no problem with her packaged items - those with a barcode, - but when it came to produce, she turned into a child. After placing the bananas on the scanner/scale (so far so good), the woman neglected to remove her right hand from her fruit. With her left hand, she manipulated the touch-screen to look up her item (still on the right track). Keeping her right hand on the bananas (this is where her method lays bare its flaw), I heard the woman grunt then exclaim to the employee present, "Why is it charging me so much for my bananas?! Since when do bananas cost ten dollars?!" The elevation in her voice signalled an ignorant distress. I wanted to scream at her "Because your hand weighs ten pounds and you are pressing down on the scale you helpless rube!" which is more or less what the grocery employee tried to tell her. No one was getting through to this woman though. In this era of convenience and automation, something had gone wrong and it couldn't... no definitely couldn't be her own impatient fault. Everything always works in the life of this woman. click. click. click. Like clockwork. Unfortunately, someone forgot to teach this woman how to tell time.

So, what did the woman do?

Why, what every impatient over-stressed automatic consumer who is afraid of accepting help from their fellow man would do. She brought her right hand up off of the bananas (good move!) and quickly brought them back down again, striking the fragile produce as if it were an advancing mugger (bad move). Of course, this sent an impact through the yellow meat of the bananas, through the peel on the other side, straight into the fragile scanner glass of the self-checkout machine. With a loud cracking sound and a flash, the screen on the machine went black. The woman looked even more incensed over the entire predicament instead of feeling even an ounce of remorse for breaking what I imagine to be quite an expensive machine.

I suppose, when you are raised with the myth of the customer always being right, this is an easy trap to fall into. My question is how does someone like this end up living in a neighborhood like mine? With bland boxy high rises going up all around my apartment, the rents are not cheap. You would expect that the people who choose to reside in a neighborhood like this would have to be either intelligent or highly resourceful. This woman was neither. This woman was someone who thought that the power of her grocery dollars ensures her an easy and effortless trip to the store with minimal human contact. This woman was someone whose first response to the slightest obstacle was to throw a destructive tantrum like a child, causing my trip to the grocery store to take even longer, though making it much more sociologically interesting.

It amazes me that I will go into Mom & Pop convenience stores and see people conversing with one another. Shopkeepers and customers become acquaintances first and foremost. I have yet to see that anywhere in my neighborhood. All I see are underpaid cashiers who don't seem to care and grown adults who rely on simple technology they don't understand and whine like toddlers when the slightest thing goes wrong. I'm not sure the automated impersonal consumer experience is such a good thing for an already alienated urban culture. Maybe this is why I prefer smaller businesses to large chains and superstores. Maybe this is why I will continue to go back to an establishment that remembers my name.

Or maybe writing about my experience observing others at the grocery store is my version of slamming my hand down on some bananas.

Reviewed On Mediatron Today!

Reviewed Today on Mediatron!

Feb. 28th - Previously Reviewed Purchases

Item Purchased: Drum Rolling Tobacco (40 gr.)
Review: (LINK)

Item Purchased: Planters Smoked Almonds (1.5 oz tube)
Review: (LINK)

Item Purchased: 7-Eleven Smoked Turkey & Jack Cheese Sandwich w/Southwest Mayonnaise
Review: (LINK)

Item Purchased: Blueberry Muffin from Caribou Coffee
Review: (LINK)

Item Purchased: 1 Green Pepper from Jewel
Price: $0.92 + tax
Review: (LINK)

From the You Can't Shove That Under Your Shirt department:

Sandra Ellis, superintendent of North Chicago Community Unit School District, has been charged with felony shoplifting for attempting to take $445 worth of groceries from a Springfield Wal-Mart. $445 worth of Wal-Mart groceries? I hate to admit, but when I was travelling the country, I would sometimes sleep in Wal-Mart parking lots in my van and head inside the store to get a lite breakfast in the morning. Do you realize how many groceries you would have to take from a Wal-Mart to equal $445? That's like four cart-fulls. Not that I expect any Wal-Mart employee to care enough to stop someone from taking four carts of unpurchased groceries to their car, but this also speaks volumes about Wal-Mart's business practices. If you are making so much profit from your shady business practices and employee care that you don't need to train security staff well enough to notice $445 worth of groceries walking out the door, something is very wrong with your company. (ABC7 Chicago)

From the Soy On Soy department:

Concord, MA's Nutrition Kitchen Inc. has developed the first pasta noodle made entirely from soybeans. So now, when you make a simple stir-fry, you can eat nothing but soy products. The noodles are even vegan safe as they don't use coloring such as squid ink or dyes. Only 100% soybean. If anyone knows of a store in Chicago that has these noodles, please let me know. I'm always looking for new foods to try. (Metro West Daily News)

Feb. 27th - Previously Reviewed Purchases

Item Purchased: Maxwell Street Polish Sausage w/Fries
Price: $1.00 w/tax
Review: (LINK)
Note: Tomorrow is the last day for Maxwell Street Grill's $1 sandwiches between the hours of 3PM and 5PM. I decided to beat all of the other unhealthy food fanatics to the rush by going there for a late lunch today. Man, what a mistake! Now I know why I don't eat at that place too often. After eating my polish sausage, I felt as if I had been drugged by a sleazy man in a leisure suit in a dark bar. I'm not sure if it is all of the nitrates or the detritus that is bound to be floating in their deep frier due to all of the construction going on in the area and the wide-open windows along the front of the restaurant. The crowd outside of Maxwell's was ridiculous today and the traffic on Union street was like something you would see in a disaster movie directed by Jerry Bruckheimer... complete standstill! The man waiting in line behind me expressed his intentions to buy one of each of the seven sandwiches Maxwell's has to offer. Great! Nice knowing you! That's enough crap to send a methadone addict into OD! Remind me never to eat at Maxwell's on an empty (or healthy) stomach again.

Item Purchased: Small Kenya AA Coffee
Review: (LINK)

Item Purchased: Cinnamon Chip Scone from Caribou Coffee
Review: (LINK)

Item Purchased: Killian's Irish Red Premium Lager (6 pk)
Review: (LINK)

From the With Friends Like These... department

Let's hear it for the women in Lowell Massacusetts for perpetuating the stereotype of the shopping-addicted. Filene's, in Burlington MA, is shutting its doors and offering 30-50% off. Instead of revelling in the savings, these women are lamenting the loss of what Nancye Tuttle at the Lowell Sun calls a "friend."

"Every woman I know, not just one or two, is shocked," said Ann Marie Page of Lowell.

What about some of the men? I'm not being funny here. I'm willing to bet that some family men are disappointed too. Why only focus on the women? What a stereotypical representation of department store clientele.

Worst of all is the optimism these women seem to be grasping at.

"Hopefully, Macy's will pick up the ball, and hopefully, it will be good," said Prinsen.

Yeah. Hopefully an even larger, more ubiquitous corporate entity will suck me into their lifestyle. Hopefully they will provide me with the deals and weekend respite I need to draw my attention away from my ever-growing credit card bill. (Lowell Sun)

From the Buy Nothing By Law? department:

I guess people in Germany who read Consumatron probably don't think too much of my weekly self-perscribed Buy Nothing days. In Germany, most stores are closed on Sunday by law. There are, of course some loopholes, such as allowing stores in train stations to remain open. This just creates longer lines at an already queue crazy locale. A Buy Nothing Day, enacted by law? Not the solution. What's the point of taking a break from spending if you are just following orders. The whole point of a Buy Nothing Day is to consciously stop your spending and think about the things you buy almost automatically every day. Steve Chapman argues against this national day of consumer rest on the basis personal freedom and a 19 percent unemployment rate. While I don't think selling more crap to people is a solution to a bad economy, I do defend the right to do so. I'm like a consumer Voltaire, eh? (Chicago Tribune)

Feb. 26th - Previously Reviewed Purchases

Item Purchased: 1 Laundry Wash Cycle
Price: $1.75
Review: (LINK)

Item Purchased: 1 Laundry Dryer Cycle
Price: $1.50
Review: (LINK)

16" BBQ Chicken Pizza from Pizza-Ria

Item Purchased: 16" BBQ Chicken Pizza from Pizza-Ria
Location Purchased: Pizza-Ria / 719 S. State St. / Chicago, IL
Price: $16.00 + tax & tip ($10.00 my share)

Review: As if the convenience, carry-out and delivery food in this country isn't unhealthy enough, someone has to go and replace the tomato sauce on a pizza with thick and tangy BBQ sauce. Well, I don't know about you, but I sure as hell would like to shake that person's hand. Is there anything better than a glass of scotch and a BBQ chicken pizza with just a sprinkling of sweet red onion on top? Well, yes... but after a long Saturday night of staring at a computer screen, working from home, a tangy pizza and shallow glass of single malt was just what I needed.

My roommate and I ordered this pizza from what I thought was an establishment called "Got Pizza" but it looks as if the local pizza joint has changed ownership and handle as it is now Pizza-Ria. I'm not sure if it is a good thing that the pizza tastes the same as it did before the merger because as far as Got Pizza was considered, the BBQ chicken was the only one of their pies I could stand. With super-thin crusts that taste like the flour they are made from, Got Pizza offered quickly thrown together pizzas only a little better than the ones you find in your grocer's freezer. While large enough to fill you and a friend up, $16.00 seems to be a little too much for what they have to offer. If the BBQ pizza is any sign, those offerings haven't changed. Luckily, the sauce's own strengths make this purchase worth it, though it could stand to average more than one chicken strip per slice. All in all, a filling meal, but don't expect anything special from this small pizza-ria geared toward convenience-seeking college students nearby.

Rating: 3 / 5

Thomas' Cinnamon Raisin Toaster Bagels (15 oz. / 6 bagels)

Item Purchased: Thomas' Cinnamon Raisin Toaster Bagels (15 oz. / 6 bagels)
Location Purchased: Jewel / 1224 S. Wabash Ave. / Chicago, IL
Price: $2.75 + tax

Review: Question: Am I a bad person for munching on my roommate's bagels without asking or am I a good person for replacing them before finishing the bag? If that isn't a consumer chicken-and-egg question, I don't know what is.

I'm really not sure why I have eaten so many of these things lately. Thomas' bagels are a step above dough. It is as if a child had sculpted bagel-shaped objects from cinnamon-flavored play-doh, microwaved them for fifteen seconds and put them into a bag. The raisins inside taste like soggy gummi bears and eating one of these things early in the morning may be detrimental to your mood for the rest of the morning. Thinking and writing about these disgusting dough rings ensures that my roommate will not find any more bagels missing. If ever there is a reason to keep my kitchen stocked with bread or snack foods, it is because when I run out, I find things like this laying around to mooch.

Rating: 1.75 / 5

From the Nowhere To Go But Up ????? department:

Seems that after years of ravaging our consumer wasteland with their ugly supercenters and shifty methods of guaranteeing low prices, Wal-Mart is having trouble doing what a corporation is supposed to do... increase profits. Their stock has been slipping despite increased sales. Chief Executive Lee Scott is reaching for trendier merchandise and a more appealing environment to increase sales. So c'mon all you Chinese sweatshop workers! Start making our cheap plastic crap look flashier! I want my yellow smiley face to be wearing an iPod and blingin' by the end of the next fiscal year! (Durant Democrat)

From the Above The Law department:

Tiffany South-Armijo, a Santa Fe police officer was been cited for shoplifting $52 worth of lingerie. This would make a great porn movie plot if they had actually arrested the shoplifter rather than simply giving her a citation and placing her on administrative duties. I'm willing to bet there will be a shortage of office supplies at the Santa Fe police station in the coming weeks. (Santa Fe New Mexican)

From the Economic Sleight of Hand department:

Economics sure can be a hoot! It turns out that the American economy is experiencing an upswing even though American citizens are increasing their wealth but not getting any richer. How can this be? It seems that our consumption has been primarily enabled by credit card debt and borrowing on homes. When will we learn? Hell, when will the world of credit come crashing down around us? (Earth Times)

Feb. 25th - Previously Reviewed Purchases

Item Purchased: Camel Turkish Royal Cigarettes (Hardpack)
Review: (LINK)

Item Purchased: Morningstar Farms Grillers Vegan Veggie Burgers (4 ct.)
Review: (LINK)

Item Purchased: Brownberry Whole Grain Classics 12 Grain Bread (24 oz. loaf)
Review: (LINK)

Update: From the Convenient Genitals department

Earlier today, I posted about a man who apparently cooked a severed penis in a convenience store microwave. Turns out that it wasn't a real penis, but a fake member... with real urine inside of it. The man was trying to fake a drug test by heating the fluid to normal body temperature. Another great line from the article:

Giant Eagle, the company that owns Get-Go, says the microwave involved in the incident was immediately removed from service and will be discarded.

It's not as if you'd be able to tell. Foods cooked in convenience store microwaves always taste like piss anyway. (KDKA via Obscure Store)

Site News

Sometimes I can't believe I've been doing Consumatron.com for five months!It just doesn't seem like that much time has passed. Probably because I have been having so much fun doing it. Thanks to everyone who has been reading! I have some ideas brewing for the months to come, but here's what's going on for now:


-Looks like the powers that be are giving me the boot. The building I have lived in for the last year and a half has been sold to an urban developer who will either knock my building down or rehab it into condos that I can't afford. So, come June, they will be kicking my roommates and I out. Oh well, I knew it was to good to last that long the day I moved in. 4000+ sq. ft. only a little over a mile from the Chicago Loop? I've been living a fantasy. That being said, I have a request:

If anyone out there knows of any large raw spaces to live/work in within the Chicago City limits (and preferably near an L station, please let me know. My roommate is a woodworker, sculptor and musician, so in addition to a lot of space, we need to make a lot of noise. We are looking for something within the $1000-$1500/mo. price range that could accommodate a live/work space for 2-3 people. If anyone knows of a place, please get in contact with me.

Due to this sudden news, I will be listing several old items of mine (mostly books and CDs on eBay (or right here on the site). I'll post about it when I do so. Any interest in these items would be greatly appreciated.

-I've begun posting the Consumer News and Links as individual posts. What say you all? Would you rather read the site this way with short news posts scattered among the daily reviews? To me, it is a time-saving way to keep the site updated. Rather than keeping a cache of links I want to post, I just do so immediately and have nothing to worry about later in the day.

- If any of you use Bloglines to read blogs/news/etc... you can subscribe to Consumatron by clicking on that image over there (it's also at the bottom of the left sidebar). If you haven't tried Bloglines, you should. It's one of the most convenient ways to organize your daily online reading using RSS, Atom and other feeds. Don't know what that stuff is, don't worry. Head over to Bloglines and they will virtually walk you through setting up some of your favorite feeds. The site keeps track of what you have read and stores new articles for you to peruse. I use it every day and it cuts my online time almost in half.

-I have two book and three record reviews in the works for Mediatron this weekend. Hopefully I can get one of them done before Monday.

Hope you all have a great weekend!

Image from Paul Goyette's Flickr Photostream. This is not my building!

Feb. 24th - Weekly Buy Nothing Day!

I'm not going to be one today. (the info on this site is a couple of years old, but still entertaining)

From the No Relish department:

A man walks into a convenience store... Stop me if you've heard this one... He asks the clerk to use the store microwave. When the clerk smells something strange, she investigates and finds human male genitalia wrapped in a paper towel, piping hot. Have you heard this one? Me neither. Turns out some people have:

...Denny Adler, of McKeesport. "It's shocking that I'm not (surprised). It's just the nature of the beast."

Nature of the beast? Remind me to never visit McKeesport! (KDKA via Obscure Store)

From the Late For Tea? Call In An APB! department

Floppy Flop! Where have you been all these years! How I've missed you so... Hey, wait! You're not Floppy Flop! Oh drat! I'll never find him... Just because I pulled all of the stuffing out through your nose that once. You didn't have to run away and leave me forever!

British toy store, Blooming Marvellous, has started a section on their website where people can post pictures and details about toys they have recently lost or found. The idea is to reunite children and their toys that have gone AWOL. I'm sure even the most hardened of us can think back and remember that one special doll, action figure or dust bunny that all of a sudden went missing. Kudos to Blooming Marvellous for offering a free-of-charge service rather than trying to sell a new plush rabbit to some lonely child who has no other friends than those of the soft and plump persuasion. Who knows, you may find one of your toys on their site someday.

Don't worry Floppy Flop! I'll never stop looking for you! (Blooming Marvellous)

From the Welcome To The 12'x12' World! department

A juvenile offender from Cebu City, jailed for shoplifting, gave birth three weeks ago. My favorite quote from the article:

"Chief Insp. Neil Avisado, the jail warden, said Angie gave birth sometime last Jan. 20-23."

Sometime in the span of four days?! If they only check on their inmates every four days, how do they know that she didn't trade cigarettes for the child? (Sun Star)

From the Solid Bargains department

Looks like Froogle (Google's price-comparison search engine) has been offering up $0.99 deals on a lot of techie things like keyboards and wrist rests. The only problem is that when you click on these fantastic deals, you are whisked away to a pornography spam site. Next time you are looking for that new flat-screen for your cubicle, be careful... you may get a page full of flat-ch... never mind. (Search Engine Journal)

From the Only OK If There Was A Sale department

A Connecticut couple has recently been charged with leaving their 3-year-old child in their car while they went inside of a West Hartford shopping center. They should make this into an episode of CSI! Oh wait, they already did. Jesus people, Reagan isn't in office anymore. Didn't we get rid of flagrant stupidity like this in the 1980's? (WTNH)

Feb. 23rd - Previously Reviewed Purchases

Item Purchased: Haircut from Great Clips
Review: (LINK)
Note: Same great price, same great cut (as you can see from the blown-out, over-exposed camera-phone pic, right?), but this time, my stylist was Leti. She and I chatted about the crazy up-and-down weather we've been having and how her family got her sick when they visited from toasty Austin Texas.



Item Purchased: Camel Turkish Royal Cigarettes (Hardpack)
Review: (LINK)

Item Purchased: Small Daybreak Coffee from Caribou Coffee
Price: $1.50 + tax
Review: (LINK)

Item Purchased: Smoked Turkey & Asiago Cheese Sandwich from Caribou Coffee
Review: (LINK)

Feb. 22nd - Previously Reviewed Purchases

Item Purchased: Planters Smoked Almonds (1.5 oz tube)
Review: (LINK)

Item Purchased: Cinnamon Chip Scone from Caribou Coffee
Review: (LINK)

Special Investigative Review: Short Double Dark Cocoa from Starbucks (8 oz.)

Item Purchased: Short Double Dark Cocoa from Starbucks (8 oz.)
Location Purchased: Starbucks Coffee / Merchandise Mart / Chicago, IL
Price: $2.95 + tax

Review: I promised myself I wouldn't comment on the linguistic olympic event known as calling out the names and modifications for everybody's custom-built coffee drink. I promised myself I wouldn't count the number of times I heard the words "half-caff" (3) or "skim" followed by "mocha" (4). I promised myself I wouldn't pass judgement on each an every one of the customers ahead of me in the line at Starbucks this morning. So let's get straight to the drink at hand, shall we? I wouldn't want to break my promises.

Wait... that doesn't count, does it?

First, the Double Dark Cocoa is listed on the new cocoa drink menu behind the counter at the Merchandise Mart Starbucks, but nowhere to be found on the posters advertising these new drinks in the window. Perhaps the Double Dark Cocoa will become the sleeper hit of the coffeehouse chocolate drink arena this winter? My guess is that this is the least unique of the five new Chantico knockoffs, as well as the most similar to the original Chantico. Think of a run-of-the-mill hot chocolate with dark chocolate syrup mixed in to make you forget that there is any milk or water added at all.

The Double Dark Cocoa is only listed as available in Starbucks' short, 8oz. size on the menu, but when I ordered my drink, the cashier asked me what size I wanted. Unable to even fathom ingesting more than 8 oz. of liquid chocolate, I stuck with the short. After waiting for nearly ten minutes at this extremely busy Starbucks location, I was handed two nested 8 oz. cups. Steam piped from the sip hole and despite the double nesting of the cups, I could still make out the mud-dark liquid inside. My first thought was, "I paid $2.95 for a drink this size? I must be crazy!" My second thought was, "That looks like motor oil!" These are the lengths I'm willing to go for you, dear reader. To subject myself to a day's innaugeral ingestion at Starbucks should be loyalty enough, but no... I go that extra mile for you by purchasing a drink that costs nearly $.37/oz and resembles the dirt in my mother's garden on the day of a rainstorm.

Before tasting the Double Dark Cocoa, I did the sniff test. Putting my nostril right up to the hole in the lid, I gave a snork that would have made a stock trader from the 1980's proud. Instantly, my nasal passages were cleared of any excess blockage by a bitter sharp stream of steam. I could actually taste the chocolate in the back of my throat from just sniffing this drink. Next, I popped the lid off of my cup and peered inside. You know that oily glisten you get when you cook a bullion cube? That's what the surface of the Double Dark Cocoa looks like. Underneath the swirling oily skin, lies a menacing dark brown, almost the color of rust on a black car. The biting odor of the drink filled my personal bubble.

At this point, I wanted to flee. I'm not one for wasting money on something I am not going to use or enjoy in some way, but the Double Dark Cocoa (DDC) almost made me forget my ways.

Replacing the lid, I grasped the side of my chair with my left hand and prepared for impact. Slowly, I brought the tiny cup to my mouth and took a sip.

...

It burns! It burns!

You have to understand, I am extremely new to the pleasures of dark chocolate. Until very recently, I never liked the stuff. It was too bitter for my emerging tastes and always left a bitterness in my mouth after I was done. I am coming to realize, that the healthy aspects of dark chocolate that are touted by every woman I know and much of modern media, are probably only healthy if you indulge in them occasionally. 8oz. in one sitting is not occasionally, just in case you were wondering.

I can't say the DDC is all bad. My first couple of sips were actually quite enjoyable. The rich whole milk can actually be distinguished underneath the dark chocolate flavors, giving the DDC a dark/milk chocolate swirl effect. After those sips, however, the drink begins to weigh on you... quite literally. The closest approximation to the drink's texture that I can think of is that of apple sauce after you run it through your tightly clenched teeth a few times, only very very dark and very very chocolate. After finishing only a quarter of my cup, I could feel the chocolate flavored phlegm deposits forming around my tonsils, dripping into my esophagus and working their way with the rest of the drink to evenly coat my stomach like an inverted M&M.

After I drank 4 oz., I felt myself getting gassy and full. Bear in mind, I hadn't had anything to drink this morning before the DDC. I wanted to approach this drink as if it were a viable beverage to start the day off with. Sorry Starbucks. I'll stick with coffee. Not your coffee, but coffee nonetheless.

At 1 oz. left, I had to pop the lid off of my cup again to drain the rest of the thick liquid. When I finished, I looked at the inside of my cup and observed the chocoalte-streaked sides, the top of which were already dry and flakey. I can't even imagine what is happening to the inside of my stomach.

I may not even have to imagine, as I sit here with 8 oz. of thick fatty chocolate sauce in my gullet. I already feel sick and, much to the disappointment of the people sitting near me, can't assuage the gassy feelings deep inside of me. I fear I may need to find a restroom before departing the Merchandise Mart.

I never had the (dis)pleasure of trying the Chantico drink during its short life, but I imagine it to be exactly like this drink with less of the acidic dark chocolate flavor. With the rumblings I now feel, it is no wonder Starbucks doesn't advertise this drink on their window posters. "The Double Dark Cocoa! $3.00 for a stomach ache!" I can't imagine making this a regular part of my daily consumption. I can't even imagine taking another sip. If you love chocolate, you'll probably love the Double Dark Cocoa from Starbucks, but your body may not share your affections. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Rating: 1.5 / 5

Note: Well, that was fun. Thanks (I think) to all who voted on the original post. If anyone hears about any other products being tested out in Chicago, be sure to drop me a line and I'll see if I can work it into my budget to reviewthem. Write me at consumatron(at)consumatron.com. Now, excuse me while I cleanse myself of this experience.

Chantico Image via Jenguin's Flickr Photostream.

Feb. 21st - Previously Reviewed Purchases

Item Purchased: Planters Smoked Almonds (1.5 oz tube)
Review: (LINK)

Item Purchased: 2 Chocolate Chip Cookies from Caribou Coffee
Review: (LINK)
Note: One for me and one for my co-worker.

2-for-1 pack of Parliament Light Cigarettes

Item Purchased: 2-for-1 pack of Parliament Light Cigarettes
Location Purchased: 7-Eleven / 1350 S. Halsted / Chicago, IL
Price: $6.35 + tax

Review: The thing about being an addict is that sometimes you don't do your research. After giving away nearly half of my pack of Marshall McGearty cigarettes yesterday, I had to replenish by the time I got into work today. I walked down to 7-Eleven to get a bag of Drum Rolling tobacco only to find that they were sold out. So, I did what any thrifty niccotine addicted young man would do. I checked for deals. It just so happens that 7-Eleven had Parliament Lights at two packs for the price of one. Parliaments, with their recessed filter (did you know that people used to use them in the eighties to keep cocaine in? A bump and a smoke.), are not the worst cigarette, but they are also not very high on my list of preferred smokes. The flavor reminds me of grass clippings mixed with copper. And did I mention that they are lights? Light cigarettes only make me smoke more often and don't satisfy me adequately. To top it off, Parliaments are a product of the Phillip Morris company. Phillip Morris is one of those companies, like Wal-Mart, that I try my damndest not to give any of my money to. It is bad enough that I give R.J. Reynolds so much of my money, let alone spend my paltry income on cigarettes at all. Today I fed one of the most evil of evil corporations with the largest investment in influencing lawmakers in Washington D.C. for their own profitable means. I know it seems ridiculous, but even when I am funding one of the most harmful legal substances, I like to keep my ethics as in-check as I can.

Rating: 2 / 5

Which Chocolate Sludge Drink Should I Try Tomorrow?

It looks like I'll be putting off my trip to the Merchandise Mart Starbucks until tomorrow morning to partake in one of five new disgusting Chantico-inspired drinks that are being test-marketed here in Chicago.

Be sure to read my previous post and let me know which one you would like to see me review.

Right now, the Spicy Cocoa, Hazelnut Cocoa and the Double Dark Cocoa are all tied for first. If they are still tied tomorrow morning, I will just flip a three-sided coin or ask my roommate to randomly choose one of them as soon as he stumbles out of bed, ensuring a completely random choice and an early morning insult.

Consumer News and Links for Feb. 20th (Early Edition)

From the Out Of Work Piggy Banks department:

Mastercard is hyping a new program called the Allow Card, a pre-loaded debit card that costs $20 to activate, $3.50 a month and has no overdraft fee. The card is aimed toward children between the ages of 10 and 19 and purports to help teach them "money managing skills." How does a card with no overdraft fee teach money managing skills? "Okay Timmy, now that you've read your copy of X-Men #1, let's learn how to take a second mortgage out on mommy's house!" Steve Rosen over at the Times Argus shares his thoughts about the card and is subsequently too easy on this monstrous invention with no other apparent purpose than to drug kids with the world of immediate gratification and prepare them for mass credit card debt. Remember the days when you would get allowance in cash and then open a savings account to learn how money worked? I do... and I'm only 26 years old. (Times Argus)

From the Chinatown In China? department:

In Ha Noi, Vietnam, supermarkets are catching on. In the short period from 1995 to 2005, the number of supermarkets in the city grew from 2 to over 75. Soon, it seems that the corner Vietnamese grocery store will be as much of a novelty in Vietnam as it is to us here in the states. (Vietnam News)

From the Japanese Get A Jump On The Trends Again department:

In a related story, it seems that Japanese retailers are getting a jump on the supermarket invasion by sending some of their smaller convenience store chains to America. The upscale Famima chain is slated to open stores in Southern California where convenience shoppers will be able to buy sushi instead of burritos and noodles instead of... well... noodles. I wonder what the Japanese answer to the Slurpee is? (6ABC)

From the Stay On The Streets Where It's Safe department:

The UK is experiencing a surge in "queue rage," uncontrollable anger caused by waiting in line at the store. Retailers have been trying to rectify this disease by staying open later and offering more sales online. The article offers some pretty ridiculous statistics such as: 72% of people in Wales shop locally and are the most patient queuers only getting seriously annoyed after 15 minutes. All I have to say is, even the Wales residents in the top 1% better not ever try and eat at the Pizza Hut in Wicker Park. (24 Dash)

Feb. 20th - Previously Reviewed Purchases

Item Purchased: Old Spice High Endurance Anti-perspirant/Deodorant - Original Scent (3oz. Invisible Solid)
Review: (LINK)

Item Purchased: 7-Eleven English Muffin w/Sausage, Egg & Cheese Breakfast Sandwich
Review: (LINK)

Item Purchased: Chocolate Chip Cookie from Caribou Coffee
Review: (LINK)

Item Purchased: Bowl of Chili from Quiznos
Review: (LINK)

Item Purchased: Jewel Brand Plastic Entree Containers w/Sealing Lids (5 ct.)
Review: (LINK)

Large Pizza Hut Cheesy Bites Pizza w/One Topping (half mushroom, half bacon)

Item Purchased: Large Pizza Hut Cheesy Bites Pizza w/One Topping (half mushroom, half bacon)
Location Purchased: Pizza Hut / 1601 W. Division St. / Chicago, IL
Price: $10.19 + tax* (split three ways between my friends and I)

Review: Two pizzas in one week? I need to watch myself before I bloat back up to the 300lbs I weighed in high school. (I now weigh somewhere in between 190-200 and stand 6'4" tall... which, I believe, qualifies for rail-thin). Not only that, but this was also the second time in one day where I was faced with a mushroom debacle. What is it with all of my friends enjoying fungus?

I'm always surprised at the things that become ubiquitous in our consumer culture. I mean, sure, Pizza Hut pizza will do in a pinch and is far better than any pizza of the frozen ilk, but I know people who absolutely love this stuff. I mean, swear by it. To me, the crust is always spongy and the toppings taste as if they have come out of a play-doh food sculpture. I suppose my friends and I were swayed by Super Bowl advertising though, because we wanted to try this new cheese-stuffed finger-food crust pizza that the endlessly annoying Jessica Simpson carried straight into every man's libido during half-time this year.

My question is, do they pay someone to sit in a cubicle all day and think of new and exciting ways to re-invent pizza every three years or so, or does an idea like this come to you out of the blue while eating cheese-sticks and pizza at your local tavern? I mean, isn't pizza the #1 consumed food in America? Why do we even have to come up with new variations on something that is already a favorite of everyone and their grandmothers? Regardless, some idiot decided to turn a pizza crust into a collection of 28 cheese-sticks and my friends and I were idiotic to take the bait hook, line and sinker.

We ended up waiting nearly 45 minutes for our pizza after we ordered it. Our waitress was the only one in the restaurant, waiting on six+ tables at any given moment and dealing with some pretty ornery customers. I can't blame her entirely, and she was nice enough to notice our long wait and offer us 15% off of our bill, so the blame falls squarely on the rest of the apathetic (yet strangely over-eager) employees of this less-than-desirable Pizza Hut location.

When we finally received our meal (and a free order of breadsticks for our wait), my first thought was that the slices of pizza with the bulbous cheese-filled dough on the edge looked like some kind of monster foot from a muppet movie. The meal was boring and bland at best and some of the bacon pieces on my half of the pie were far too fatty to be a pizza topping. All of the cutesy innovative aesthetics couldn't save this thing. We were hungry, though, so I ate my two slices in a hurry. Cheap tomato sauce, flavorless cheese and a greasy rubbery crust were the extent of this media-induced whim of a meal.

If you have been eager to try this new pizza from Pizza Hut, my advice is to buy a high-end frozen pizza and a few microwave cheese-sticks and have a much better meal than I had.

*Price reflects 15% discount we received due to long wait.

Rating: 2.5 / 5

The Virginian Cigarettes from Marshall McGearty Tobacco Artisans (1 pk. 20ct.) w/free Cup of Coffee

Item Purchased: The Virginian Cigarettes from Marshall McGearty Tobacco Artisans (1 pk. 20ct.) w/free Cup of Coffee
Location Purchased: Marshall McGearty Tobacco Artisans / 1553 N. Milwaukee Ave. / Chicago, IL
Price: $8.00 w/tax

Review: Before reviewing the cigarettes at hand, I must take a moment to describe this unique tobacco shop and lounge. Located in the heart of Chicago's Wicker Park Neighborhood, Marshall McGearty is a new kind of lounge/cafe that opened its doors at just the right time. With the passing of Chicago's new smoking ban that prevents private business owners from making up their own minds on whether they should be able to allow customers to smoke in their establishments, this tobacco shop provides smokers and their non-smoking friends a friendly atmosphere that they have all been waiting for. Large, luxurious and immaculately clean, the interior of Marshall McGearty is reminiscent of many movie portrayals of French cafes. Upon entering, one is greeted with a long glass counter filled with fresh tobaccos, colorful pastries, fruits, cheeses and more. Perched on the wall behind the counter is a full bar of fine wines and liquors for those who wish to partake in a cocktail with their smokes. The rest of the spacious lounge is peppered with plenty of comfortable tables, chairs and couches perfect for holding an intimate conversation or getting in some quiet reading time. Near the back of the shop is a soft and communal room that is used for performances and screening movies every Sunday. There is plenty of ventilation and high ceilings which make for a surprisingly clean-aired environment. Dare I say that Marshall McGearty almost makes the harmful pastime of smoking seem completely benign?

As Michaelia and I approached the front counter to gander at the different tobaccos they had to offer, we were greeted by a friendly young woman whose first question for us was, "Are you a smoker?" This took me by surprise. After all, I had just walked into a tobacco shop, had I not? After spending more time inside, this introduction began to make more sense. Though their primary source of income comes from the sale of tobacco, I do not believe that Marshall McGearty wants to give off the impression that they are catering exclusively to smokers. Perhaps I had come in to purchase a unique gift for a smoker friend of mine. Perhaps I simply wanted a cup of coffee or a glass of wine. If so, I was still welcome. Everyone is welcome at Marshall McGearty as long as you are 21 years of age or older. After I informed our tobacco barista that I was, indeed, a smoker, she asked me what kinds of tobacco I usually smoked. With that information, she was able to recommend three distinct tobacco varieties that might interest me. Each one was proffered to me to examine and smell. Each one had a very distinct aroma. My choice of the Virgnian blend had a subtle sweet scent to it, backed with an earthiness that is important to my smoking tastes.

After making my choice, I was offered a free book of wooden matches and given a free cup of coffee (an offer available to anyone who purchases a pack of cigarettes between 2-4 PM daily). I had the option of purchasing a pre-rolled pack of smokes or waiting for my cigarettes to be rolled fresh by an employee near the front of the store. Since I had the time to wait, I chose the fresh option. After Michaelia and I found a table near the wall where we could enjoy our coffee and a lemon tart she bought (fantastic as well!), I approached the counter to observe my cigarettes in the making. The tobacconist worked diligently with gloved hands at the front of the counter spreading fresh tobacco into a small lock box which was then inserted into a loading machine. From beneath the counter, he brought a long narrow magazine loaded with twenty filtered cigarette casings and inserted into the loading machine. Steadying four or five cigarette tubes into the machine at a time, he pulled a few levers and voila! My cigarettes were rolled. He then ran a blade along the edge of my cigarettes to rid them of excess tobacco and placed them delicately into a flip-open box, locking it with a seal containing the Marshall McGearty logo. I have rolled my own cigarettes many times before, but it gave me an almost decadent feeling to watch a professional roll them before me.

The Virginian blend cigarettes I purchased are made from a fine mixture of three separate Virginian tobaccos; Brazillian Leaf, Zimbabwean Leaf and Carolina Leaf. Virginian tobacco has the highest percentage of natural sugars that lends a full-bodied flavor to each cigarette. The smoke pulled is smooth with a slight nutty flavor and more satisfying than any other cigarette I have tried before. In this era where tobacco is simultaneously being chastised and used as a means to generate ridiculous tax money, eight dollars may seem a bit much to pay for a pack of cigarettes, but the way I see it, a pack of American spirits now costs me nearly as much without the freshness. With Marshall McGearty offering a free cup of coffee and wireless access in their cafe between the hours of 2-4PM, I have a feeling I will be buying more handrolling tobacco during the week and making a weekly trip out to Wicker Park to indulge myself in this most decadent of disastrous lung blackener, thus saving me money in the long run.

Whether you are a smoker or simply an enabler of a stubborn addict, Marshall McGearty is a locale you should make it a point to experience for yourself. If not for the smoke, then for the educational value and pleasant lounge atmosphere. Be sure to check their website for weekly specials, events and a growing assortment of tobacco flavors. And since they have cleared all of their licensing to ensure a safe and clean environment to smoke regardless of local legislature, I believe Marshall McGearty will fast become a destination for smokers around this great city.

Rating: 4.5 / 5

Image from mmsmokes.com

Tofu Benedict from Earwax Cafe

Item Purchased: Tofu Benedict from Earwax Cafe
Location Purchased: Earwax Cafe / 1561 N. Milwaukee Ave. / Chicago, IL
Price: $7.50 + tax

Review: When I am eating with my girlfriend, I eat vegetarian for two reasons. First, I really enjoy vegetarian cuisine. After a life of eating burgers and varied chicken dishes, I find that vegetarian dishes offer much more flavor on my palette. Second (and more importantly), I like to be able to offer my girlfriend a taste of whatever I order. There is nothing more important while dining out than to be able to let your fellow diners partake in the dish you have ordered. I don't think my generosity would go over too well if I turned to her with greasy lips and a mouth full of animal entrails and said "want some?"

Earwax Cafe's tofu benedict is a dish I have enjoyed many times before. The equation is simple. Take your regular, everyday eggs benedict recipe and replace the sliced ham that usually comes between the poached egg and the English muffin and replace it with a thin slice of lightly seasoned tofu. Everything else is the same... or so I thought. First, I would swear on a holy text of your choosing that the last time I ordered this dish at Earwax, that there was a hollandaise sauce generously slathered atop the egg-tofu-muffin towers. Today I received no such slather. Instead, the eggs were poached with the yolks left runny, so that when I pierced the thin whites, the egg innards erupted over the open faced breakfast. I'm all for a cook's interpretation of an age-old culinary equation so this didn't bother me too much. The next mealtime riff, however, did cause a stir in my already rumbling stomach. Beneath the egg and tofu, there was a sizable collection of thick-sliced mushrooms awaiting consumption. While this added surprise may have pleased most vegetarians and carnivores alike, I happen to be the minority. I hate mushrooms! Call me finicky, but a mushroom is a fungus, and though I eat some pretty disgusting things on a regular basis, I refuse to eat anything that grows on athlete's feet. Sorry, I just can't do it. I don't like the texture and I only like the flavor insomuch as a minor seasoning. I can't stomach mushrooms as a substance to be masticated and swallowed. Also, holy book or not, I know that the last time I ordered the tofu benedict from earwax, there was no fungus to be found on the plate. Perhaps I need to pay closer attention to the text in the menu, but once you have had a dish at a restaurant you frequent, you tend to not examine the contents as dutifully.

Despite the minor setback due to having to scrape the mushrooms off of my English muffin, I still highly recommend this dish (especially if you enjoy the 'shrooms). As with all of Earwax's foods, the tofu benedict is tasty and filling. Even without the hollandaise sauce, the egg yolk gives this breakfast the perfect flavor and the tofu is lightly cooked to provide it with a light brown coating, making it easy to slice each sandwich into manageable bites.

Next time I will be sure to ask for no mushrooms regardless of what the menu says.

Rating: 4 / 5

Feb. 19th - Previously Reviewed Purchases

Item Purchased: Coffee from Earwax Cafe
Review: (LINK)

To Be Reviewed on Mediatron

Item Purchased: LP: Prefuse 73 - Security Screenings
Location Purchased: Reckless Records / 1532 N. Milwaukee Ave. / Chicago, IL
Price: $13.99 + tax



Item Purchased: LP: Squarepusher - Budakhan Mindphone
Location Purchased: Reckless Records / 1532 N. Milwaukee Ave. / Chicago, IL
Price: $9.99 + tax

Feb. 19th - Unreviewable Purchases

Item Purchased: Lentil, Spinach and Mushroom Soup from Earwax Cafe (1 cup)
Location Purchased: Earwax Cafe / 1561 N. Milwaukee Ave. / Chicago, IL
Price: $2.75 + tax
Note: Purchased for Michaelia.

Item Purchased: Vegetarian Messy Burger from Earwax Cafe
Location: Earwax Cafe / 1561 N. Milwaukee Ave. / Chicago, IL
Price: $7.50 + tax
Note: Purchased for Michaelia. Even though I did try a bite of this burger, I don't feel I had enough of it to offer you a complete review. I will say that the caramalized onions promised in the menu's description were a bit too raw and unremarkable to qualify as caramelized.

Item Purchased: Filbert's Ginger Ale (12 oz. bottle)
Location Purchased: Earwax Cafe / 1561 N. Milwaukee Ave. / Chicago, IL
Price: $1.25 + tax
Note: Purchased for Michaelia

Accidental Buy Nothing Day - Feb. 18th

I'm trying to remember if I have ever had an accidental Buy Nothing Day before in my adult life. Even on days where I have been sick in bed, I have mustered up enough energy to get down to the grocery store for some medicine and a couple of magazines.

Today, however, I decided (in a burst of bad-judgement) to walk the mile to work in the sub-zero Chicago weather and by the time I got home (unable to feel my face), it was after midnight.

Of course, since I work at a restaurant on the weekends, I didn't need to buy lunch, so that was a major contributing factor. Anyone else out there remember a day where you just didn't spend any money? I'm hard pressed to recall one myself. I'd like to hear about any of your accidental Buy Nothing Days. Or your thoughts on the lack of them. If you are like me and can't think of one, isn't that a mildly frightening thought?

Good night.

Consumatron's First Investigative Purchase

Chicago has been awarded the fattest city award by Men's Fitness Magazine. What is Starbucks doing about it? Glad you asked! It just so happens that they are making Chicago one of their test markets for their new Chantico-inspired chocolate drinks. For those of you who never tried the Chantico, it was/is a hot chocolate drink equivalent to what happens when you put three Hershey bars in a cup and microwave them for a minute. There is not one healthy aspect to these drinks. The five new drinks Starbucks is testing are: Cocoa, Cocoa Espresso, Hazelnut Cocoa Espresso, Spicy Cocoa and Double Dark Cocoa.

In the spirit of investigative blogging, I have decided to make my way to the Starbucks inside Chicago's Merchandise Mart in the next couple of days to try one of these heart-stopping drinks. This is not something I would ever buy for enjoyment. This will be a purely investigative purchase for you, dear reader.

So, my question for you is which one of these drinks should I try when I venture into the den of overroasted caffeination? I plan to make my way over to the Merchandise Mart on Monday or Tuesday morning to take part in this exercise in absurdity, but I'm leaving it up to my readers which variety I should partake in.

So, folks, what'll it be?

-Cocoa (A slightly less chocolatey version of Chantico at a very slightly lower price point)
-Cocoa espresso (The new lighter cocoa + espresso)
-Hazelnut cocoa espresso (As above, plus hazelnut)
-Spicy cocoa (The new cocoa + some unidentified spiciness)
-Double dark cocoa (née Chantico)

Leave me a comment on this post, or e-mail me at consumatron(at)consumatron(dot)com with your vote.

(via Starbucksgossip.com)

Image via Jenguin's Flickr Photostream.

Consumer News and Links for Feb. 18th (Mid-Day Edition)

From the Discount Child Abuse department:

Queensland parents have been dropping their kids off at toy stores and other businesses for hours on end while they shop elsewhere. Some parents use their local pet store for a dumping area. Man, these kids are going to grow up to be the best cashiers they can be! (Sunday Mail)

From the Jeff Gordon's Armpits department:

NASCAR has licensed an Elizabeth Arden fragrence for men called "Daytona 500." Done snickering yet? Ludmilla Lelis, a writer at the Orlando Sentinal, quips, "at least it didn't smell of burning rubber or motor oil." I would have guessed beer-stained cotton and nacho cheese. (Orlando Sentinal)

Consumer News and Links for Feb. 18th (Early Edition)

From the Free (sort of) Shipping department:

Everyone knows that if you order more than $25 worth of merchandise from Amazon.com, you can get most items shipped to you free of charge. Well, what about when you want that DVD that sells for $24.99? Now you can get free two-day shipping on almost anything Amazon sells if you simply pay a yearly fee of $79.00 and enroll in Amazon Prime. Does anyone out there actually order from Amazon enough to make this a good investment? I can see if you are a business that uses Amazon to keep you stocked, but individual consumers? This just seems like a needless added expense to me, but it doesn't seem that way to Ed Kohler over at the Technology Evangelist. (Technology Evangelist)

From the You Will Be Happy Little Workers, Dammit! department:

Gem Plumbing and Heating, located in Providence, has paid a happiness consulting firm to bring "Plork" into their business plan. What is plork? It is tightly orchestrated "Play at Work." These people come in and basically advise the heads at Gem on how to make their workers happy! This reminds me of the company I worked for who would throw mandatory pizza parties for a staff of over 200 people and only order 10-15 pizzas. I guess it is a good thing that "Plork" doesn't simply mean "Plumbing at Work." That would be redundant... but a bit more logical. (Providence Business News also Douglas Rushkoff's Thoughts on This Story)

From the Discount Eugenics department:

Wal-Mart has been ordered by the Massachusetts Board of Pharmacy to carry the morning after pill after three women sued the company to carry it. Should government tell private businesses what to carry on their shelves? I say no. Though I do believe that the morning after pill should be widely available, I don't think that three women who want their emergency contraceptives with a yellow smiley face stickered to them should be able to force a company to provide them with it... However, the prospect of people who frequent Wal-Mart putting a halt to their breeding is an appealing prospect to me. (MSNBC)

Weekly Buy Nothing Day! Feb. 17th

Circumstances led me to the decision to neglect my weekly reprieve from spending money in patterns or wild orgasms of capitalism, but I'm back to the reflection and the appreciation of everything I have. No styrofoam cups of coffee today, no packs of cigarettes and no records (gasp!). Everything I eat will have to be something I already have. A cupboard cleansing, if you will.

When is the last time you bought nothing? No bus pass, no packs of gum, no Happy Meal that you told the guy at the drive-through window was for the kids you don't even have just so you could have the toy? Why not make it today?

Buy Nothing for once!

12" Stuffed Cheese Pizza w/ Pepperoni & Olives from Giordano's

Item Purchased: 12" Stuffed Cheese Pizza w/ Pepperoni & Olives from Giordano's
Location Purchased: Giordano's / 815 W. Van Buren St. / Chicago, IL
Price: $18.95 + tax & delivery

Review: My co-worker and I were standing outside today, having a cigarette in the cold and rain. I casually mentioned to him that I didn't feel like walking down the block to get a sandwich in this cold. We both opened our slender wallets, nodded to each other in silent agreement and made our way to the stash of carry-out menus behind the register. After minimal hemming and hawing, we decided on a stuffed pizza from Giordano's.

Giordano's, famous for their stuffed pizza, serves up thick and filling pies that are more than half cheese. The New York Times, Chicago Tribune, NBC Television and several other media conduits have all named Giordano's the best in Chicago at varying times. While I enjoy Giordano's pizza, to call them the best seems pretty myopic to me. Have these reporters tried Lou Malnati's? Have they tried Pizano's? Have they tried My Pi? Of course they haven't. Or if they have, they are simply catering to their audience and naming one of the most convenient and ubiquitous pizzerias in Chicago "the best."

Our pizza took over an hour to get to us and seemed almost too small for $28.00 (with tip). Unfortunately, I let this initial reaction to the pizza get the best of me and I ate three of the eight pieces. OF course, because of the density and content of each slice, this made me feel as if the bubble gum I swallowed as a child had filled with air and was still expanding. Pete played Brain to my Pinky and only had two slices, thus feeling full, but not muddily ill like me.

As for the pizza itself, the cheese was gooey and rich as always, the black olives tasted salty, but not especially fresh (as I am sure they were from a large can) and the pepperoni was flimsy but spicy. The entire pizza was slathered with a generous and chunky tomato sauce that had a slight citrus taste to it. Most pleasing was the crust of the pizza. Giordano's stuffed pizzas always come with a thick and flakey crust nearly two inches thick on the edges and about a half inch throughout. I am always reminded of dessert pie crust when I eat at Giordano's and though I enjoy it, it is still no Lou Malnati's butter crust!

While this meal was supremely filling, plentiful enough to give me breakfast tomorrow morning and a way for Pete and I to avoid walking through the freezing rain to get our lunch, delivery like this cannot be something booksellers get used to. $22.00 plus tip is not something I can keep in my budget on a regular basis. I think you know what that means for tomorrow... A buy nothing day.

Rating: 3.5 / 5

Image from Giordanos.com

Small Kenya AA Coffee

Item Purchased: Small Kenya AA Coffee
Location Purchased: Caribou Coffee / 1328 S. Halsted / Chicago, IL
Price: $1.50 + tax

Review: Ooh! AA! That's better than I did in college (I was on the Dean's list before you get any quippy ideas. I've got the term papers on Kant's metaphysics of morals to prove it). Sometimes I wonder who is in charge of giving coffees their ratings. Did they have to go to school to hone their nostril skills and caffeine tolerance? Or does it just take someone who is willing to sit around and drink coffee all day? (If that's the case, someone at the coffee institute needs to get in contact with me immediately... I'm highly qualified)

Caribou's Kenya AA roast is a lighter roast coffee with a slightly sweet flavor to it. Since I am a cream & sugar guy, I have found that slightly sweet coffees such as this one tend to go well with half & half. Sometimes I don't add sugar to coffees like this and still end up enjoying my sips beyond the wake-up ritual. There isn't much acidity in this coffee, so the flavors are easy to distinguish for even the most novice coffee drinker. A fine coffee at any time of day.

Rating: 4 / 5

Consumer News and Links for Feb. 16th (Early Edition)

From the Annnnnd They're (woot)Off! department:

Woot.com is having a Woot-Off today! The first item is a 8.1MP digital camera. What's next? How many items are the crazy discount Texans going to sell today? I guess you'll just have to keep clicking your browser's reload button today. (Woot.com)

Reviewed On Mediatron Today!

Reviewed On Mediatron.

Feb. 16th - Unreviewable Purchases

Item Purchased: Home Run Inn Cheese Pizza (7 oz)
Location Purchased: Jewel / 1224 S. Wabash Ave. / Chicago, IL
Price: $2.50 + tax
Note: Purchased for Michaelia

Item Purchased: Coke Classic (20oz. bottle)
Location Purchased: Jewel / 1224 S. Wabash Ave. / Chicago, IL
Price: $1.33 + tax
Note: Purchased for Michaelia.

Feb. 16th - Previously Reviewed Purchases

Item Purchased: Cinnamon Chip Scone from Caribou Coffee
Review: (LINK)

Item Purchased: Red Stripe Beer (12 pk. bottles)
Location Purchased: Jewel / 1224 S. Wabash Ave. / Chicago, IL
Price: $10.99 + tax
Review: (LINK)

Consumer News and Links for Feb. 15th (Late Edition)

From the Repent Shoppers! department:

Clive Aslet over at the UK Times has an interesting, if not extreme, opinion piece on the evils of supermarkets. He calls them the devil. I call them mindless corporate entities. You say tomato... (Times Online)

Feb. 15th - Previously Reviewed Purchases

Item Purchased: Planters Smoked Almonds (1.5 oz tube)
Review: (LINK)

Item Purchased: Small Daybreak Coffee from Caribou Coffee
Price: $1.50 + tax
Review: (LINK)

Item Purchased: Smoked Turkey Pita Sandwich from 7-Eleven
Review: (LINK)

Item Purchased: Drum Rolling Tobacco (40 gr.)
Review: (LINK)

Consumer News and Links for Feb. 14th (Late Edition)

From the Asinine Edibles department:

F&%* this! (Daily Olive via Boing Boing)

Consumer News and Links for Feb. 14th (Mid-Day Edition)

From the Keep Your Receipts! department:

I rarely keep my receipts for anything unless it is a tech device with a warranty. When Arthur Reis took the receipt from his 1946 honeymoon into the Drake Hotel to randomly reminisce with the folks at the check-in desk they offered him a room at the same price he paid 60 years ago. $7.00 for a room at the Drake? Something tells me the kid with the $4.99 iPod is going to be coming to Chicago when he gets out of prison. (Chicago Sun-Times via Obscure Store)

Valentine's Day

So, today's the day when everyone stands in line to buy roses and greeting cards written by retired women from Arkansas. We exchange gifts and kisses and heart-shaped boxes full of candies in hopes that something reciprocal comes our way. The average American male spends close to $100 every year on this Hallmark holiday whether they have a signifigant other or not.

Heart shaped boxes full of candy are for chumps... Remember that ladies.

I'll be damned if I'm going to give in to this ritual of consumerism and shallow attempts at showing my affection.

...

Okay, I'm lying. I'm a sap. Always have been. Always will be. It's hard to let it show, but I try in the ritual childish way to do so by attempts at originality.

Truth is, this is the first V-Day I remember being confident and happy instead of feeling sorry for myself or nervously buying a gift for someone whose feelings may be less than mutual.

And I have my wonderful girlfriend to thank for that.

To my favorite person and most loyal reader:

Thank you Michaelia, for being a part of my life.

---

For those of you who began drinking when you woke up today, maybe this will cheer you up: Too Much Coffee Man.

And since you are all going to shun me for my sappiness today, reviews will return tomorrow. Hope you all have an alright day whether you have a valentine or not.

Image from Achewood.com

Consumer News and Links for Feb. 14th (Early Edition)

From the Love In The Time Of Mutawa department:

Young Saudi Arabians are shopping scared in defiance of the kingdom's ban on Valentine's Day gifts and celebrations. Both shopkeepers and consumers alike must speak in hushed tones to exchange a cheap heart-shaped box of chocolates with their loved ones. The government has even put a ban on the exchange of kisses on Valentine's Day. Sounds like someone needs a hug! (Middle East Online)

From the Red Is So Passe department:

Need an alternative to a red rose this Valentine's Day? Need something that will make you both remember this day for years to come? (She will remember because of your originality, you will remember because of your credit card debt). Why not get that special someone a platinum rose? Oh, here's why... because it costs $24, 691!!!!! (PlatinumToday)

Reviewed Today On Mediatron.

Reviewed Today On Mediatron.

Consumer News and Links for Feb. 13th (Late Edition)

From the Buy Nothing Bragging Rights department:

A group of people from the bay area have vowed to not buy anything new in 2006 except for food, health and safety items and underwear. They all seem pretty well intentioned and will probably get a lot of press from this stunt (especially due to the book, Not Buying It), but near the end of the article, one of the members starts to brag about how much thrift-store shopping he is going to be doing. An interesting idea. It reminds me of another kind of lifestyle that people take on. What was that called? Oh yes! Being poor! (San Francisco Chronicle via Obscure Store)

From the Can't Buy Me Love...But I Better Try department:

Nancy Dungan, a family finance expert, urges people to take it easy on their Valentine's Day spending this year. Yeah. You know who else was a financial expert? Uncle Scrooge. He never got laid. Never. Why do you think he took pity on Tiny Tim who couldn't feel anything below his waist? It wasn't because of the ghosts. He just... understood. (10News)

From the $2.00 Valentine department:

The LAist has a blurb about their local $0.99 store advertising itself as the Valentine's Headquarters. The best part? Two bottles of PBR for $0.99!! Just think, if you don't have a valentine this year, you could offer someone you meet at this store a few beers. Two bucks later and you could be going home with the latest lasting love of your life. (LAist)

Maruchan Yakisoba Teriyaki Flavor Noodles (4 oz.)

Item Purchased: Maruchan Yakisoba Teriyaki Flavor Noodles (4 oz.)
Location Purchased: 7-Eleven / 1350 S. Halsted / Chicago, IL
Price: $1.69 + tax

Review: I forgot was to lazy to make a pot of noodles last night at home so I would have lunch for the rest of the work week so when the hunger struck, I opted for the next best thing. Well, maybe not the next best thing, but a thing that comes after home-made food. How far after depends on your upbringing I suppose. Growing up, my Father and I used to spend weekend afternoons together working in the yard, watching sports and the A-Team, and cooking up some Maruchan Ramen Noodles. By the time I was in high school, I had tried enough Maruchan noodle-creations to write a cookbook (tip: make a packet of ramen and mix it with Mac n' Cheese powder... yum!), yet I don't think I ever had a teryiaki flavored Maruchan dish.

Yakisoba comes with the iconic brick of Maruchan ramen noodles, a small plastic bag of dehydrated cabbage, corn and carrots and a small foil bag of teriyaki flavor-powder. Add water, add veggies, cook for 4 minutes in a microwave, add teriyaki powder and stir. That's how easy it is to make your own noodle dish reminiscent of a really bad japanese restaurant run by a senile old Italian man. While these noodles aren't objectively bad (the vegetables turned out rather tasty in fact), the teriyaki flavoring ended up tasting something like spiced maple syrup. Maruchan has kept me fed this long, I'm not letting one bad experience turn me into a detractor of the brand, but if you are looking for an inexpensive noodle dish, I recommend sticking with the $0.15 packets of ramen noodles.

Rating: 2.75 / 5

Crack N' Snack Hard Cooked Eggs (2 eggs / 3 oz.)

Item Purchased: Crack N' Snack Hard Cooked Eggs (2 eggs / 3 oz.)
Location Purchased: 7-Eleven / 1350 S. Halsted / Chicago, IL
Price: $0.99 + tax

Review: I went into this whole eggs-from-a-convenience-ordeal with great trepidation. I was expecting the eggs to be rubbery and taste like candle wax. What I got was a pleasant surprise. Instead, when I did indeed crack the shells n' snack on the eggs, my taste buds met with a fairly tasty hard boiled egg. I have no doubt in my mind that eggs packaged in little two packs such as this one come from chickens that move no more than three inches inside of their cages their entire life, but the yolk was not discolored and the white was chewable enough to meet my crackn' snackin' standards. Packaged in a small egg-shaped plastic container, Crack N' Snack eggs come with small truckstop-style packets of salt and pepper which made the first egg tasty when I ate it by itself. I added the second egg to my convenience store noodle lunch for a bit of added flavor and substance. The eggs were a bit on the small side but this is not a bad buy for $0.99.

Rating: 3.75 / 5

Image from Shira Goldberg's Flickr stream.

Consumer News and Links for Feb. 13th (Early Edition)

From the Lead By Example department:

A government official from the Japanese city of Chigasaki has been arrested for shoplifting. The head of the city's cultural promotion division was seen putting four chocolate products and three cups of noodles into a shopping bag he had brought in with him. Gosh, I guess jobs with the city in Japan aren't the coveted positions they are here in Chicago. (MSN)

From the Woot A Lot Of Space! department:

While you were sleeping like the responsible adult you are, you missed your chance at scoring a 250GB hard drive for $54.99 shipped over at Woot.com. Unless you are reading this now, in which case, you should head over to Woot.com right now before this deal sells out! (Woot.com)

Feb. 13th - Previously Reviewed Purchases

Item Purchased: Cinnamon Chip Scone from Caribou Coffee
Review: (LINK)

Item Purchased: Medium Caribou Coffee (Light Roast)
Review: (LINK)

Reviewed on Mediatron!

Reviewed on Mediatron today.

Bowl of Sauerkraut Soup

Item Purchased: Bowl of Sauerkraut Soup
Location Purchased: Coffee on Milwaukee / 1046 N. Milwaukee Ave. / Chicago, IL
Price: $3.85 + tax

Review: I have to admit that I wasn't too thrilled when Josh told me that the only soup available at Coffee on Milwaukee today was a sauerkraut soup but my body was determined to have soup so I threw all of my preconceptions to the wind and tried it.

Preconceptions be damned! This was a damn fine soup. With plenty of cabbage strips floating around the slightly sour broth, potato chunks, sausage slices, chicken bits and other meats and spices, this soup resembled a low-viscosity stew. While sausage in soup usually turns me off, the thin slices in this particular soup fit. Most likely because I am used to eating sauerkraut on bratwurst and pickle relish on my hot dogs. This soup was supremely filling and had a unique flavor that I hope to encounter again. Not a bad lunch for under $4.00. Actually, I would love the recipe to this Polish soup because I think it would taste great drizzled over a plate of rice or pan-fried noodles.

See that? Even unassuming cafes can broaden your culinary horizons.

Rating: 4.25 / 5

Jewel Brand Soft Choice Ultra Toilet Paper (12 Double Rolls)

Item Purchased: Jewel Brand Soft Choice Ultra Toilet Paper (12 Double Rolls)
Location Purchased: Jewel / 1224 S. Wabash Ave. / Chicago, IL
Price: $7.30 + tax

Review: How does one review a roll of tissue used to wipe clean your nethers? I suppose I could draw pictures of fluffy clouds and cute woodland animals like most toilet paper commercials use to hype their normally unspeakable product, but that's silly romanticism. We're not at a dinner party in a fancy hotel. We're on the can taking care of our business. And when the business is complete, we want something relatively unabrasive to get rid of the excess paperwork so to speak. For a store brand, this TP is gentle and pleasant for the few seconds your relationship with it will last. If you want to stock the cabinet under your bathroom sink and not worry about wiper's rash, you could do worse than this stuff. Also, this toilet paper is no Puffs Plus, but it works well as a facial tissue in a pinch.

Rating: 4 / 5