Buddhist Delight Lunch Special from Joy Yee Noodles

Item Purchased: Buddhist Delight Lunch Special from Joy Yee Noodles
Location Purchased: Joy Yee's Noodles / 1335 S. Halsted St. / Chicago, IL
Price: $6.50 + tax

Review: My initial response, had I been duped into believing otherwise, would be to complain about the extreme load of fungus in this meal. Knowing that Buddhists are strict vegetarians, however, I expected there to be a healthy amount of fungal growth mixed in with my tofu, rice, other veggies and delicious brown broth. It's not that I don't like the taste of mushrooms. I really don't mind. It is the idea and texture of mushrooms that bothers me so. I can't get over the squish-snap experience of biting down on a cooked mushroom. Furthermore, I can't get out of my head that I am eating a fungus. I know that most of what I eat on a day to day basis is comprised of numerous more disgusting and mysterious elements (Yellow-5 for example) but the thought of eating a picked and cleaned mushroom still brings images of licking a patch of athlete's foot from a sweaty soccer player's little toe. I know it is disgusting, but that's the way I am.

My dislike of mushrooms tends to annoy friends and acquaintances when it comes time to order a pizza, but in all honesty, I don't mind picking shrooms from any dish. This is exactly what the first half of my lunch break consisted of.

After filling the emptied styrofoam bowl that my miso soup came in with several samples of two different kinds of mushrooms, I was left with a collection of bok choy, celery slivers, spongy fried tofu and a syrupy brown broth with which to cover the white rice that comes along with this Joy Yee lunch combo. Each and every ingredient tasted fresh and juicy, which is the norm for a dish from Joy Yee. The broth tasted slightly like a beef broth, but I am guessing it is made from soy to fit with the Buddhist theme of this meal. Unlike most other pan-Asian restaurants, Joy Yee does not load their broth with excess salt or soy sauce. Instead, they perform a certain kitchen alchemy that results in a flavorful meal one is not soon to forget.

Between the hours of 11:00 AM and 3:30 PM, lunch specials such as this dish sell for only $6.50 and come with a side of miso soup with small cubes of soft tofu floating in it. Again, the soup is not the salted water broth most people have come to expect, but a tangy spiced soup that only adds to the value of the meal. If you happen to be in the University Village area of Chicago during lunch time, give Joy Yee a try. They have everything the original location in Chinatown offers on their menu and are quick to boot.

Rating: 4 / 5

Marlboro Lights Cigarettes (Hardpack)

Item Purchased: Marlboro Lights Cigarettes (Hardpack)
Location Purchased: Halsted Orange Line Station / Halsted St. & Archer Ave. / Chicago, IL
Price: $6.00 w/tax

Review: Why did I buy these things? Beyond the fact that smoking is bad for me anyways, these things taste like ground up pennies mixed with shredded newspapers from the frontier days all rolled up in lambskin that's been set aside to be dried and pressed into parchment.

I'll tell you why I bought them. Because my friend told me you could get $6.00 cigarettes at the L station at Halsted and Archer.

Guess what? Even if this pack of smokes cost two dollars less than my usual smokes, it's not worth it. I'd rather crawl to Kentucky on my knees for a pack of backwoods tree bark cigarettes than smoke Marlboro lights.

Period.

Rating: .05 / 5

From the Let's Reverse-Outsource This One department:

Small steps are being taken in China to unionize Walmart stores. (BBC News)

July 31st - Previously Reviewed Purchases

[ Glaceau Vitamin Water Multi-V (20 oz.) / Large Mango Iced Tea from Caribou Coffee / Chocolate Chip Cookie from Caribou Coffee / Small Mocha Java Blend Coffee from Caribou Coffee ($1.50) ]

Dynex Wireless Enhanced G Desktop Card

Item Purchased: Dynex Wireless Enhanced G PCI Desktop Card
Location Purchased: Best Buy / 1000 W. North Ave. / Chicago, IL
Price: $39.99 + tax

Review: After blowing the dust and other crud off of my desktop computer that had been in storage for two months, I realized that I had no way of connecting it to the series of tubes we think of as the interwide web. How was I going to share my awe-inspiring thoughts on my LiveJournal when my laptop is out of battery juice? How was I to share my fat beats that I just made on my turntables with my close-knit group of heads whose heads I haven't even seen? How was I supposed to IM my BMF from the PC? WTF?!?

So, I made a quick trip to Best Buy, resisted the temptation to impulse buy the Adventures of Brisco County Jr. Box Set, deliberated between a PCI card which would require popping open my PC or a USB wireless adapter that I could just plug in, chose the PCI and got out. After a few hours of sweating in this intense Chicago heat, I got off of the couch and took the approximately five minutes it takes for a relatively computer savvy individual like myself to install a PCI card.

When all was said and done, I blazed through the past two months worth of updates my firewall and virus program needed. I seem to get faster data transfer with my PC wireless connection than my laptop now. This may be caused by the stability and performance differences between my processors. I don't know. I'm not that computer savvy. All I know is, so far, so good for this moderately priced Wireless adaptor card. Unfortunately, I can't find these things for sale anywhere online. Not on Amazon, not on BestBuy.com, not even on Froogle. All I can tell you is that if you go to the Chicago Best Buy on North Avenue, you'll find a solid and affordable wireless adaptor for that machine you've been using as a paperweight ever since you bought your Blackberry doohicky that does everything including making your coffee for you in the morning.

Rating: 4.5 / 5

Mediterranean Spread Appetizer from Miller's Pub

Item Purchased: Mediterranean Spread Appetizer from Miller's Pub
Location Purchased: Miller's Pub / 134 S. Wabash / Chicago, IL
Price: $5.75 + tax

Review: How many hours have I spent on late nights after work sucking down Mr. Walker and dipping my pita into Miller's near perfect hummus?

No... Really... How long? I feel as if it has been enough to fill a few lifetimes. If I were alone, I'd be a sad character in someone's gritty urban tale of Chicago. Fortunately, Miller's Pub becomes my haunt after a long day of work when I am surrounded by friends... Or at least equally surly and hungry co-workers. We moan, we bitch, we drink, we eat med spreads.

$5.75 throws you quite a way down the alley of life at Miller's too. What you get is a large oval plate layered with a bed of decorative lettuce, thick cucumber slices, thick jalepeno peppers, a block of feta cheese, a handful of meaty kalamata olives waiting to be sucked and pitted and two opposing flowers of pita slices. In the center of all of this sits two ceramic vats. One is a creamy cucumber sauce while the other is a moist hummus that goes well with almost anything else you order from Miller's menu. I've always had one or two helpers to finish this appetizer platter, yet this is mostly by circumstance and brute force. I am certain I could finish an entire spread myself if there weren't so many wriggling grabbing fingertips in my way.

I suppose this is why my table usually contains two of these dishes at any given moment during my late-nights at this place. If you don't want to end up as a sad barfly in someone else's debut novel, just order a Mediterranean spread and you'll instantly acquire friends. Just be sure to save me the olives.

Rating: 4.5 / 5

July 30th - Unreviewable Purchases

Purchased from Whole Foods:

[ Chicago Magazine (August '06 issue) ($4.99) / Nasoya Extra Firm Tofu (16 oz.) ($1.99) / Mori-Nu Extra Firm Silken Tofu (12.3 oz.) ($1.69) ]


Purchased from Best Buy:

[ The Princess Bride - Dread Pirate Edition DVD ($5.99) ]

All Purchased for my girlfriend.

July 30th - Previously Reviewed Purchases

[ Smithwick's Irish Ale (6 pk. 12 oz. bottles) from Whole Foods ($7.99) / San Pellegrino Aranciata (6 pk. 11.15 fl. oz. cans) from Whole Foods ($3.99) ]

July 29th - Previously Reviewed Purchases

[ Camel Turkish Royal Cigarettes (Hardpack) from Warehouse Liquors ($7.95 w/tax) ]

July 28th - Weekly Buy Nothing Day

Where is the value in money? Is it the fundamental value of the bits of paper and coin we all carry around with us every day? Is it the products we purchase with it? Is it our modern day faith in the imaginary value of money in a particular society? After all, most money today is nothing more than a collective agreement on information. Most money isn't even represented by anything physical. It is simply lent into existence by banks and credit cards. Anyone with a saving account is committing usury, which is condemned by most of the world religions. Are we all sinners simply because we aim to put an objective value on things?... A value that becomes subjective immediately after being introduced to the market. Diminishing returns and all that.

When I buy nothing, am I really buying nothing? Are there different kinds of currency. Interaction, for instance... Or communication at all... Am I speaking to you in a certain tone of voice to get a response? To get a few bucks out of you? To get a favor? To get laid? How much more valuable is our social currency than our economic currency? Does taking one day a week to keep the wallet closed really save anything?

I argue yes, based on the fact that the meditative act of taking a break from spending causes me to think about these things.

Bulk Kalamata Olives from Dominick's (0.67 lb.)

Item Purchased: Bulk Kalamata Olives from Dominick's (0.67 lb.)
Location Purchased: Dominick's / 1340 S. Canal St. / Chicago, IL
Price: $5.35 + tax ($7.99/lb.)

Review: When it comes to ancient Greek currency, I am not picky. I love olives. I will even eat sliced black olives with a fork from a tin can, despite the copper tasting fluid they swim in for months on end. For cooking purposes, though, you have to think of your tasting pulic who will be tasting your delicious meal. You have to have standards. Those standards don't have to be $7.99/lb, but they can be. Especially if you are shopping at Dominick's, they can be. Dominick's Kalamata olives frolick in fresh olive oil just waiting for you to lifesave them with a large plastic spoon and take them home with you. Their flesh is the fine mix of bitter and salty that you would expect from any olive worth its weight in... well... olives. Not too much of either taste overpowers the other, and if you cut these ping-pong sized beauties into smaller chunks, the taste only enhances whatever dish you put them on.

Rating: 4.25 / 5

2 Bags Nature Sweet Cherry Tomatoes (12 oz. each)

Item Purchased: 2 Bags Nature Sweet Cherry Tomatoes (12 oz. each)
Location Purchased: Dominick's / 1340 S. Canal St. / Chicago, IL
Price: $3.79 + tax

Review: Always fresh, always sweet, always the same price and always entertaining, Nature Sweet's tomatoes are my number one fruit pick for salad, snack or original recipe. These luscious tomatoes are grown and harvested in conditions nearing quarantine in order to make sure they are cut from the vine at the precise moment their flavor and ripeness has peaked. Unlike many other tomatoes that are gassed with ethylene to give them their red color, Nature Sweet guarantees their tomatoes to be naturally colored, untouched by genetic engineering and great tasting.

I say they follow through extremely well.

Rating: 4.5 / 5

Bunch of Flat Leaf Parsley from Dominick's

Item Purchased: Bunch of Flat Leaf Parsley from Dominick's
Location Purchased: Dominick's / 1340 S. Canal St. / Chicago, IL
Price: $0.79 + tax

Review: Again... Another erronious scan from the local Dominick's checkout lane... My receipt said cilantro, but what I got was most certainly parsley. Someday I will get to the bottom of the mystery: Is Dominick's saving precious bytes in their register system by grouping similarly priced items or is this an actual error. I wonder if the Straight Dope would figure this out for me? Gosh, what would the illustration next to the column look like? Probably a bezitted register jockey (my counterperson was acne free and quite pleasant, for the record) surrounded by leafy greens with a confused look on his face.

Anyway, I never thought of parsley as a particularly flavorful spice. It's always been that little finishing touch on the side of your Salisbury steak that no one eats. The green merit badge that makes it seem as if you ordered a juicy T-Bone. It wasn't until I had flat-leaf parsley in a Chinese dish that I realized that this subtle wonder could actually add flavor in addition to decoration.

Parsley adds a earthiness and a vague mint flavor to almost anything you mix it with (including my fantastic vinaigrette). Be sure to chop it small to let the full flavor out.

Rating: 4 / 5

McCormick Ground Black Pepper (2 oz.)

Item Purchased: McCormick Ground Black Pepper (2 oz.)
Location Purchased: Dominick's / 1340 S. Canal St. / Chicago, IL
Price: $1.59 + tax

Review: So, I go to make this fantastic original recipe (not to toot my own horn or anything), and find out that I don't have any typical run-of-the mill ground pepper in my cabinet. I have a cheap peppercorn grinder that is great for finishing off a dish, but when it comes to measuring a set amount... well, let's just say that your wrist would feel like the wrist of a 14 year-old boy who's parents were out of town and had access to the Playboy channel.

For $1.59, 2 oz. of this fragrant table spice will last you a long time if you only use it for measuring instances like I do. For everything else, grind it like a crack whore paying for college.

Forgive the awful similies, I had a long day of work and a few drinks in me.

Rating: 3.75 / 5

Prince Rigatoni Pasta (16 oz. box)

Item Purchased: Prince Rigatoni Pasta (16 oz. box)
Location Purchased: Dominick's / 1340 S. Canal St. / Chicago, IL
Price: $1.00 + tax

Review: First a note on the database and register system at Dominick's. I couldn't help but notice (because running a website like this one involves a while lot of time reading and analyzing my itemized receipts) that I was charged for Prince brand rigati instead of the actual rigatoni I walked away from the supermarket. Luckily for Dominick's, the price was the same. (If it were my luck, the rigati would have been cheaper). I wonder if they just lump similarly priced pasta together under the rigati blanket or if this was an actual mistake.

Oh the wonders I wonder. And I say I don't have much free time.

Anyway, this box of dry pasta is from a company that started pressing flour and eggs back in 1912. After 94 years, I'm pretty sure they know what they are doing. At least the robots on the assembly line have had enough time to learn their prime directive programming. They probably even got in a few cigarette breaks. Though it may have the consitency of ash, it is probably left over starch that coats the dry pasta. If one is not careful, the finished, boiled pasta has a chalky taste to it. Chalkier than most, actually. For a buck a pound, you can't really pass this off as a valid complaint though.

Rating: 3.75 / 5

P.S. For those of you who are culinarily inclined, you can check out what I did with this pasta. Go here and switch out the penne with this rigatoni.

July 27th - Previously Reviewed Purchases

[ Small Mocha Java Blend Coffee from Caribou Coffee ($1.50) / 2 Organic Lemon from Dominick's / Herbal Garden Basil (3/4 oz.) (from Dominick's) ]

- Consumatron's 1000th Post! - Soga Extra Firm Organic Tofu in Twin-Pack (15.5 oz.)

Item Purchased: Soga Extra Firm Organic Tofu in Twin-Pack (15.5 oz.)
Location Purchased: Dominick's / 1340 S. Canal St. / Chicago, IL
Price: $1.99 + tax

Review: As you vegetarians or mood-swinging omnivores (like me) know, a review of tofu can't really comment on the taste (sure, you can get pre-marinated tofu, but where's the fun in that?). Tofu, which is nothing more than soybean curd is more of a foundation for what you, the chef, decides to flavor it with. In some ways, it is like the futuristic pill-food of the Jetsons. This meat-substitute miracle food is low in saturated fat, high in protein, vitamins and minerals and can taste like nothing or anything at all.

The focus of this reviewer's bean curd experience will have to comment on the packaging and texture.

First, the packaging. Most tofu blocks come in 16 oz. packaging which, unless you are cooking for several people, is a bit much for a single meal (especially the tofu scramble I made this morning for breakfast). Tofu is a hard food item to reuse once opened because of the water it sits in to keep it fresh and I hate to waste perfectly good food. Soga packages its tofu with the lonely vegetarian in mind, splitting the one-pound of curd into two halves and sealing each into their own water-filled plastic compartment. The result was a perfectly sized breakfast to start my day.

The texture of Soga's extra-firm tofu is that of a weak rubber. It is easy to press between paper towels (To get the excess water out, for those carnivores who think that vegetarians only eat salad. Hi Mom!) and crumbles nicely at the slightest pinch.

Whether you enjoy the health benefits or the malleability of this foodstuff or both, Soga is an affordable and convenient choice.

Rating: 4.5 / 5

P.S. No fancy bells and whistles for the 1000th post... I'm trying to get back into full review mode after unpacking my apartment over the last week or so. Still, I can't let this go by without saying that I'm pretty surprised that I made it this far! Thanks to everyone who reads Consumatron.com for a fantastic 10 months!!!

From the Wages Of Living department:

Chicago aldermen voted 35 to 14 today in favor of an ordinance that will require big-box retailers in Chicago to pay their employees a minimum of $10 an hour in wages and $3 an hour in benefits.

Perhaps this will stop the roots of Walmart from spreading within city limits. Perhaps it will also assuage the guilt I feel every time I buy something from Target.

(Chicago Tribune)

From the Credit Is King department:

When I was a child, I remember playing Monopoly all of the time... By myself... I took on the role of all four players... I was a lonely child. The point is, all of my lonesome hours rolling dice and cutting deals while scrambling around a cardboard square as a car, shoe, iron and cannon helped me to learn how to manage money. Laugh if you want to, but I think playing with fake money teaches children how to manage real currency at a fundamental level.

Now, Parker has released a new version of the Monopoly board game in the UK which uses fake credit cards, complete with electronic card reader, to keep track of a player's money. The cards even have a VISA logo printed on them. As if pre-paid credit cards weren't enough to lure today's youth into the habit of "charging it." Now you can even charge your fake plastic hotels on fake plastic. I think a better lesson to youth would be to mix credit cards and currency in the Monopoly game play. The credit cards should be charged a percentage of their monetary value each time a player rounds the board while the fake cash could earn interest if a player opts to put it into a savings account where they can't touch it for a set number of turns. Of course, my game design would teach financial responsibility instead of the ease of spending numeric information for goods. Somehow, I don't think VISA or Parker wants that.

I wonder what happens when you max out one of these fake credit cards. Do the players begin receiving fake mail offering a low introductory APR on new credit cards with the option of a balance transfer?

(Sky News via Boing Boing)

Tidbits

• The one year anniversary party is looking to be on Oct. 15th. A tentative venue is chosen. A few vendors, musicians and other entertainments have signed on. If you are interested in selling your wares or showcasing your talents, please get in touch with me. More info near the middle/end of August.
• There is a new shipment of Consumatron.com buttons on the way. Look for them scattered around Chicago. If you want to get your hands on some, send me a SASE or something creative in trade. My shipping address has changed, so check the FAQ for the update.
• My new apartment feels like home. It will feel like a base of operations tomorrow, when my DSL is installed. Look for full reviewing flow to return by the end of the week.
• For up to date info as the one year anniversary draws nearer, be sure to befriend Consumatron on Myspace! I am certain there will be giveaways and other surprises as the site closes in on blowing out its first candle.

Basil Chicken Fried Rice from Joy Yee

Item Purchased: Basil Chicken Fried Rice from Joy Yee
Location Purchased: Joy Yee's Noodles / 1335 S. Halsted St. / Chicago, IL
Price: $6.50 + tax

Review: At long last! Joy Yee's University Village location is open!

It's been a long and anticipatory road for my co-worker Frank and myself. So anticipatory that when Joy Yee's finally opened on Friday (my day off), he called me solely to tell me that the Pan Asian paradise had finally opened its doors. Had I not needed to be at my other job, I would have made the trek just to taste the hallucinatory freshness and wok-rock that the employees of Joy Yee are capable of. Holding out a few more days was a challenge that took a Herculean effort, but today's taste was well worth the wait.

The basil chicken fried rice is one of Joy Yee's lunch specials, which means that between the hours of 11:00 AM and 2:00 PM, you can pay the reasonable price of $6.50 for this giant helping of fresh poultry, flora and grains. The plastic container I received for carry-out was nearly a two pound brick packed full of a fine mixture of chicken, rice, onion, green pepper, mushrooms, hot peppers and an alchemic mix of sauces and spices. It was enough food to feed me twice throughout the work day. The flavor was so incredible, that even the mushrooms (which I usually don't touch with a ten-foot chopstick) made my mouth water.

Basil chicken is a spicy dish, but I didn't expect it to be as spicy as it was. The small dried peppers had me running for water, then running back again for another fork-full. To think, Joy Yee's menu has over one hundred different items on it to choose from! Everything from simple vegetarian dinners to buttery octopus and other seafoods are laid out in a fine print so as to fit all of the choices.

Though $6.50 is a bit much for me to be spending on lunch every single day of my work week, I will probably limit myself to this Pan-Asian pleasure a few times a week. Best of all, they are open until 10:30 on weekdays so I will be able to pick up dinner on my way home after a long day at the bookstore!

University Village development is slow and usually less than worth the wait. Joy Yee's is the exception to the rule. I'm still happy I don't have to wait any longer though.

Rating: 4.25 / 5

July 21st - Weekly Buy Nothing Day

Put that mony back in your billfold! Just for one day! You don't need that new CD or old record. You are wearing pants so why buy a new dress? You are eating a sandwich, do you really need that bag of chips? No.

Think of it as a financial sabbath. All week long you spend money without thinking. Don't you need a day of rest? A reset? A relaxing change in your habits or just some time to take stock of why you do what you do day after day?

I'd like to push this further. See, almost every time I participate in a weekly buy-nothing day, I may not be spending, but I usually am working... Making money. I know that making money represents everything that is right and good in this world nowadays, but I need a break from it. I need a day to think and meditate, to brainstorm and create.

I may not be a religious man, but ask your local god-fearing neighbor when the last time they took an actual sabbath from spending or making was.

Glaceau Vitamin Water Multi-V (20 oz.)

Item Purchased: Glaceau Vitamin Water Multi-V (20 oz.)
Location Purchased: Walgreens / 1372 N. Milwaukee Ave. / Chicago, IL
Price: $1.42 + tax

Review: Depending on how much of your faith you put into ad copy and the FDA, Glaceau Vitamin Water is natural on the inside, "the outside is plastic." I'm not sure how much faith I have in anything but skepticism when it comes to consumer goods, but I do whole-heartedly believe that Vitamin Water's Multi-V flavor is delicious.

This belief becomes an important factor when you consider that most food and drink that advertises itself as a healthy alternative tastes like garbage. This is even true with most of Vitamin Water's other flavors. It all has a dull hanging aftertaste much like artificial sweetener in diet sodas. Fortunately, Vitamin Water struck lemon-fresh gold when they developed the multi-v.

With a taste that resembles actual lemonade diluted with fresh distilled water and minimal aftertaste (unlike other supposed thirst-quenching drinks). Glaceau keeps me coming back for this one.

You know Vitamin Water is a thirst quenching drink because it comes in a bottle, much like the other "-ade" drinks, that is shaped like a phallus erupting from an internal shrapnel blast. Have you ever noticed how so many of these bottles have a mushroom head at the top? I'm sure all of you Freudians have something snide to say about this observation, but you know you've noticed it too.

Regardless of the American sexual subconscious and the silver-grey color of the liquid, this is one of the few thirst-quenchers that truly satisfies. You also faithfully get a dollop of vitamins A, C, E and an assortment of Bs from this drink. Woo hoo.

Try it.

Rating: 4.5 / 5

Anyone used Amazon.com Grocery yet? Anyone know where the tofu in Chicago went?

I sometimes run across people who have linked to Consumatron from their blogs or message board posts. Most times I am pigeonholed as a food-blog. I resent this. More importantly, you all should resent this. If anyone out there views me as a food specialist, I fear for their health. Not that I am a specialist on consumer matters either, but my approach to this blog is more of a general interest in where my money goes and how the American consumer culture spends its time and money, not providing you with the latest recipes or produce tips. Obviously much of my money goes toward food. What can I say? I like to cook and I like to taste things. Those of you who have been privy to my dinner parties know this. Of course, you also know I have more interests than food.

Regardless of my desire to prove to all of you that I am a much more interesting than just mastication, metabolism and imbibition, I want to ask you all a few questions about food.

First, to all of my readers:

Has anyone out there used Amazon.com's new Grocery Store? All of the items are non-perishable, so it is still off to your local deli or grocery store for your meats and eggs, but the products they do offer are cheap, eligible for free shipping and make grocery shopping for people without a car (like me) a much easier task. The downside is that most (if not all) of the items must be purchased in bulk. It may be nice to stock up on some staples and essentials, but really... Who needs five pounds of Haribo Gummi Bears?

So please, if any of you have used Amazon's grocery service, I would love to hear your stories. I am planning on placing an order in the near future when I can figure out what kinds of non-perishables I will be using constantly, but I would like to hear a few other people's first-hands. Leave a comment or write me at consumatron[at]consumatron[dot]com.

Next, a quick query to my Chicago readers. Specifically, you south-siders.

Is there anywhere in Bridgeport where I can get some tofu or do I have to go back to eating bratwurst and Fritos seven days a week. Last night I spent at least twenty minutes to find tofu at the Dominick's on Archer & 31st. When I finally asked one of the clerks if they stocked it, I got a paused stare and a midnight "huh?!"

So tell me, is there another market near Archer between Ashland and Halsted that has tofu or should I bike farther northeast into Chinatown for my bean curd needs?

Thanks... I guess I'll go play with my food now. Seeing as I never spend my money on anything else.

Morningstar Farms Garden Veggie Patties (4 patties, 9.5 oz.)

Item Purchased: Morningstar Farms Garden Veggie Patties (4 patties, 9.5 oz.)
Location Purchased: Dominick's / 1340 S. Canal St. / Chicago, IL
Price: $4.29 + tax

Review: I'm short on cash after moving into my new apartment, so it was either head over to Jim's Original for a gut busting (but oh-so-tasty) Polish sausage, or a quick bike ride to Dominick's to hunt and gather a healthier lunch.

Though I prefer the Morningstar Farms Grillers Vegan burgers, Dominick's was out of them. I opted for this alternative style of veggie burger: The Garden Veggie Patty.

The difference between the two is primarily the presentation. Where the vegan burgers tend to be made out of highly ground vegetables and grains, the garden patties are more of a rough amalgamation of vegetable parts. You can actually see the chunks of carrots, mushrooms, black olives, water chestnuts and others. Though I prefer the highly processed and soy-sauced vegan Morningstar Farms burgers, the garden patties run a close game and come in as a close second place. I recommend grilling or frying these veggie discs in a pan as the microwave tends to make them a bit too soggy and emphasizes the water chestnuts' taste (my least favorite ingredient).

If you are the type of person who likes their veggie burgers to have a meat-like salty taste to them, stick with the Grillers Vegan burgers, but if you enjoy recognizing veggies both by site and taste, give these a try.

Rating: 4 / 5

Buy some meat substitute from Amazon.com: Consume.

From the Easy To Count, Hard To Sleep department

A group of Rochester, MN thieves stole Serta Mattresses' 14-foot inflatable sheep. In place of the air-filled mascot was a note that read: "For the sheep, bring peace to the Earth." My only question is does counting the sheep make up for the guilt that keeps the thieves up at night? (WCCO4 via Obscure Store)

As for sleeping. My internet will be installed at my new apartment on the 25th. Complete reviews return then. For now, I am trying to sneak away work time to update the site at least once a day.

3 Gildan Activewear Heavyweight Cotton T-Shirts (Large)

Item Purchased: 3 Gildan Activewear Heavyweight Cotton T-Shirts (Large)
Location Purchased: Walgreens / 1372 N. Milwaukee Ave. / Chicago, IL
Price: $6.00 + tax ($2.00 each)

Review: Holy fibrous financial fundamentals, Batman! Have you seen the deal that Walgreens has on t-shirts?!?

...

Yeah, me neither.

Of course, if you are of the socially acquired ADHD persuasion, then chances are you will see the deal that Walgreens has on t-shirts.

Let me explain.

While walking up to Walgreens to get a few extra t-shirts for quick-change purposes in the sweltering sweaty 100 degree Chicago heat, I glanced at the store's own quick-changing LED sign where, for a few seconds, it said, "T-Shirts - 5 for $10." Excellent. I would have to buy a few more shirts than I had originally planned to to get the extra savings, but I always need new white t-shirts.

When I walked in the door and up to the garment display, I saw yet another sign announcing the deal:

"T-Shirts - 5 for $10.00!"

Then, in smaller print in the bottom corner of the sign:

"or $2.00 each."

I may not have had a math class since high school, but that was Calculus, so I think I have addition firmly under my belt. Multiplication too. If I buy one shirt at two dollars, how much would three shirts cost me?

Walgreens is hoping the answer is, "Who cares!?! You can buy five of them for only ten dollars! What are you waiting for?"

Five T-Shirts: $10.00
Three T-Shirts now and two T-Shirts on your next visit: $10.00
Being able to perform simple arithmetic and chuckle at advertising absurdity: Priceless.

I wonder how many people actually walk into Walgreens for one or two shirts and walk out with five because they think they are getting a deal. I would bet ten dollars (or two dollars five times) that the answer is quite a few.

The shirts themselves are flimsy, comfortable, easily stained and make good kitten chew toys. Perfect for two bucks. The marketing behind the shirts is ingenious, hilarious and anyone who falls for it gets what they deserve.

Rating: 3.75 / 5

Murphy Pure Vegetable Oil Soap (32 Fl. Oz.)

Item Purchased: Murphy Pure Vegetable Oil Soap (32 Fl. Oz.)
Location Purchased: Dominick's / 3145 S Ashland Ave. / Chicago, IL
Price: $3.00 + tax

Review: In the evolution of consumer convenience, we often think of things such as the credit card, the drive-up bank teller or online bill payment. Each of these things have their pros and cons, but for the most part, they make our lives more convenient and streamlined. Despite all the fears and very real danger of identity theft, many people I know continue to type their credit card numbers into a form on the local electric company's website all in the name of convenience and speed.

Convenience and speed is such a predominate force in today's culture that we seldom put the dark consequences on the scale. Even if we do, the opportunity to spend more time watching Jerry Springer wins out.

I prefer to balance my life with a healthy dose of moderation. I still write paper checks to pay my utility bills and you'll never see me dropping my hard-earned cash into an envelope to slide through my bank's after-hours deposit drop slot.

It is with this balance in mind that I address Murphy's Oil Soap. When I was a kid, I remember my father mixing a small amount of whatever floor cleaner we had under the kitchen sink with a large amount of warm tap water in a bucket. This imperfect solution often resulted in the perfect cleaning liquid with which to make our floor shine in the morning sunlight.

With the new and "improved" Murphy's Oil Soap, the fundamentals of mixing have been taken care of for today's lazy consumer. This bottle of floor cleaner is already diluted so that all you have to do is spray a little bit of it on the floor and wipe over it with a mop. Despite the high quality of the product that results from the pre-diluted floor cleaner, I can't help but view this product as just another racket cashing in on the laziness of today's chore children. Despite the pleasant citrus scent and glowing floorboards that result from using this product, the consumer is getting less product for almost the same amount of money. When you buy a higher concentration of cleaning fluid in the same volume, it can last you for weeks or even months. With this 32 oz. bottle of watered down, ready-to-use cleaner, I mopped over my hardwood floors once and found myself with an empty plastic squeeze bottle. Now, all for the sake of convenience, I have to make another trip to my local supermarket to buy another r bottle of Murphy's so I can finish the second coat of mopping pleasure. Twenty minutes extra to complete something that would have taken me a total of two minutes to complete if I had purchased a higher concentration, dilute-it-yourself floor cleaner.

How convenient is that?

Rating: 2 / 5

Chex Mix Peanut Lovers' (3.75 oz. bag)

Item Purchased: Chex Mix Peanut Lovers' (3.75 oz. bag)
Location Purchased: 7-Eleven / 1350 S. Halsted / Chicago, IL
Price: $1.09 + tax

Review: I was fiending for some junk food... Salty, mildly greasy and full of nutty protein junk food. The first thing that popped in my hungry head was Chex Mix. When I saw the purportedly "Peanut Lovers'" variety hanging on the racks at 7-Eleven, I knew someone was looking out for me.

Little did I know that my faith in the snack gods would be challenged.

Peanut Lovers' Chex Mix contains all of the salty grease-filled goodness that regular chex mix has. There are corn and wheat Chex marinated in a fine cocktail of vinegar, barley malt extract, distilled monoglycerides and other chemicals I can't pronounce (I believe their commonly known name is "tastiness"). There are small breadsticks and pretzels shaped like large peanuts. Admittedly, this is a pretty piss-poor gimmick. As if people who love peanuts (people like me), are going to soil themselves at the prospect of eating a pretzel that is shaped like a pretzel! C'mon General Mills! Don't bullshit me, feed me.

Ah... but I digress.

The final two ingredients promised by the packaging are, of course, peanuts. There is supposed to be two kinds of peanuts a plenty in each bag of this stuff. As an equal opportunity earthnut eater, I was equally excited by the honey and plain roasted peanuts guaranteed to be inside.

The first couple of handfulls from the bag came up peanut-free. Understandable. Peanuts are a dense foodstuff when compared to dried rice and corn. If I really wanted to get down to the protein pellets, I would have to do some serious munching to earn them. That's just what I did. I munched. As I neared the bottom of the bag, however, I began to sweat a bit. I had eaten two thirds of the contents of my snack bag without encountering a single peanut fragment and, let me tell you, the peanut-shaped pretzels were just starting to piss me off.

At this point, I decided to eat carefully and keep track of the number of nuts in this so-called peanut-lover's paradise.

Any bets on the grand total?

After a recount the scale of 2000, here are the totals:

Honey Roasted: 4 whole / 1 half
Plain Roasted: 2 whole / 3 halfs

All accounted for, that makes exactly 8 peanuts.

EIGHT PEANUTS IN A 3.75 OUNCE SNACK BAG MANUFACTURED FOR PEANUT LOVERS??

For shame, Chex. For shame.

I declare shenanigans.

Send me coupons.

Rating: 0.5 / 5

Buy some peanutless Peanut Lovers' Chex Mix from Amazon (it's only available as an eight pack on Amazon so maybe you will get enough peanuts for one bag): Consume.

Neosporin Antifungal Cream (0.5 oz. tube)

Item Purchased: Neosporin Antifungal Cream (0.5 oz. tube)
Location Purchased: Jewel / 1341 N. Paulina Ave. / Chicago, IL
Price: $6.49 + tax

Review: Don't get too close to your screen! I have ringworm!

The thing about ringworm is, it shouldn't be called "ringworm." It should be called "Mild Fungus That Has Nothing At All To Do With Actual Worms, Is Contagious, But Really Quite Harmless If Treated Properly With Over-The-Counter Creams And Medications," or "MFTHNAATDWAWICBRQHITPWOTCCAM." Why on earth did some doctor or lab technician decide to give this annoyance such a menacing name? Just hearing the word "ringworm" makes my skin crawl, yet looking down at the actual patch of ringworm on my upper arm, it looks like nothing more than a small sore.

Perhaps ringworm is given its name so people do think it is dangerous and immediately do something about it. From the research I've done online, it can get quite disgusting if not treated properly, so maybe the inclusion of "worm" is simply a scare tactic to stave off the spread of this unfortunate fungus.

Unfortunately, due to sick kittens and a weekend full of stress and mourning, I just happened to contract a spore or two.

Neosporin AF is commonly used to combat athlete's foot, but because it contains the chemical miconazole nitrate, is also useful as a front-line soldier against mild ringworm (MFTHNAATDWAWICBRQHITPWOTCCAM). In the few days that I have been using this cream on the two spots of ringworm on my body, one has almost disappeared completely, while the other persists, yet does not itch and is not getting any bigger. Considering the fact that it is supposed to take approximately four weeks for ringworm to show any signs of improvement, I'd say this tiny tube of Neosporin was well worth my $7.00.

So, if you have young animals or otherwise manage to contract MFTHNAATDWAWICBRQHITPWOTCCAM, please, treat it before it gets out of hand. Neosporin AF is a solid treatment.

Rating: 4.25 / 5

Buy some MFTHNAATDWAWICBRQHITPWOTCCAM cream from Amazon.com: Consume.

From the Evil Genius department:

I hate McDonalds and nearly everything they serve and stand for, but damn it, this new sundial billboard is a cool advertising idea. (Chicagobusiness.com via Gaper's Block)

Settling In, Not Down

After nearly two months of certifiable homelessness, I have finally found a new apartment. One review a day until I get settled and get my DSL connection up and running in my new apartment.

Any snail mail correspondence (I love books or CDs for review as well as the time-honored tradition of a handwritten letter) can be directed to:

Kevin
Consumatron.com
P.O. Box 1535
Chicago, IL 60690

As always, thanks for reading!

From The Yo-Yo Man: With A Vengeance Department:

Amar Shreiteh, a convenience store clerk from Fort Pierce, Florida, stabbed a fourteen year-old boy for playing with a yo-yo. The boy put down the yo-yo and Shreiteh demanded he pay for it. When the boy refused, Shreiteh pulled the boy behind the counter and stabbed him with a butcher knife. As if I needed another reason to stay out of Florida! (WYFF4.com via Obscure Store)

Reviewed On Mediatron!

In honor of Nikola Tesla's 150th birthday, I have reviewed Christopher Priest's The Prestige on Mediatron today.

6" Italian Special Sub from Fontano's

Item Purchased: 6" Italian Special Sub from Fontano's
Location Purchased: Fontano's Subs / 1058 W. Polk St. / Chicago, IL
Price: $3.75 + tax

Review: If you haven't been to Fontano's deli and grocery in Chicago's Taylor St. neighborhood, go now. Drop whatever other lame excuse for a lunch you had planned and make the trek to this old-timey Italian sandwich shop where you will witness the woman behind the deli insult the customers in line who rudely talk on their cell phones. You'll see grown men without a chance flirt with the counter girl. You'll have a chance to see half of the CPD in Little Italy waiting in single file. You'll have the chance to buy a pop by the can or bottle and a nice side of fresh potato salad or cold pasta in a small plastic container. Most of all, you'll get one of the tastiest sub sandwiches on this side of the Wisconsin border.

Fontano's packs their Italian special with proscuttini, capacola and Provolone cheese. After the crusty Italian bread is filled with delicious hog carnage, a bit of pressure and a lot of knowhow and finesse makes room for lettuce, tomato and hot peppers. The final touch is a bit of salt and a lot of oil, which moistens up the bread enough to make it ready to chew. Once you do chew, you'll have a hard time believing that the sandwich you just ingested cost you less than $4.00. Fontano's deliver's quickly made, fresh italian sandwiches with a steady hand, a steady attitude and a steady reputation that has lasted since 1960. I can't think of a better sandwich joint in this city.

Rating: 4.5 / 5

Chloe
Apr. '06 - July 8th '06

Sadness. Back Monday.

info

July 6th - Weekly Buy Nothing Day

Consumatron is represented on the map by the white arrow. See, I think "Oh man, I already have three pairs of pants. One black pair of jeans (which I wear a lot despite the insistence of Joanna that black jeans are for nerds... maybe they are), one blue pair of jeans and one pair of black dress pants. They are all in fairly good condition. What do I need another pair of pants for?" Time: 0 min. Cost: $0.00

More to the point, all of my essentials were taken care of today by some leftover pizza from my girlfriend, the kindness of a co-worker (Thanks Larry!) and a whole lot of biking.

Besides all of that, my girlfriend's kitten is extremely sick and we are both sad and worried. I know some of you out there probably don't get worked up about an animal's well being, but I am a bona-fide cat person and am currently too emotionally exhausted to write any reviews anyway.

Hope everyone else's day was better than mine.

Whole Wheat Pancakes from Hashbrowns

Item Purchased: Whole Wheat Pancakes from Hashbrowns
Location Purchased: Hashbrowns / 731 W. Maxwell St. / Chicago, IL
Price: $6.25 + tax

Review: A friend who saw my recent review of Hashbrowns' 18th St. Omelette recommended that I try their pancakes. Since I had a bit of time before work this morning, I did just that. Trying to keep on the (relatively) healthy tip, I opted for the whole wheat flapjacks which, oddly enough, are less expensive than the traditional buttermilk kind by a quarter. I was told that you are offered three different syrups with your pancakes, so disappointment began to set in when the waitress (who remembered me... first sign of a great neighborhood diner) only set a typical maple syrup dispenser in front of me. Much to my delight, the ginormous plate of pancakes arrived with two smaller ceramic cups full of homemade vanilla and strawberry sauce.

Again, let me stress how big these pancakes are. Think edible seven-inch records. I successfully made it through two and a half before having to throw in the towel. With a fluffiness and chewy-moist consistency, I could feel my stomach pleading with me to stop even though my tongue urged me to go on. My friend was right though, the sauces are where these pancakes earn their full worth. The first is a creamy white vanilla sauce that reminds me of a mixture between cake frosting and vanilla ice cream (so much for the healthy tip). The second is a rich and thick strawberry sauce which goes easy on the sugar and retains much of the true strawberry taste. I found myself alternately dipping my already maple smothered pancake slices in one cup, then the other until both looked as if they had been licked clean by my godmother's 200 lb. red doberman.

As before, the service at Hashbrowns was great. The waitresses made conversation with me when I wasn't staring into the book I was reading and left me be when I was. Hashbrowns almost makes me completely forget the annoying sports bars and obliterated history of Maxwell St. outside. They make it worth a visit to the historic Chicago street, and I'm thrilled to have an establishment like it just a block away from my place of employment.

Rating: 4.25 / 5

July 5th - Previously Reviewed Purchases

[ Large Mango Iced Tea from Caribou Coffee / Planters Seasonuts Heat Peanuts (small tube) / Marketfare Bistro to-go Chicken Chipotle Wrap (8 oz.) ]

Like Thanksgiving...With Fireworks.

If you're anything like me, celebrating your independence involves a few cold ones, a brat and lighting explosives off in parking lots.

Hope you all have a good fourth! Reviews return tomorrow.

Bottomless Cup of House Blend Coffee from Hashbrowns

Item Purchased: Bottomless Cup of House Blend Coffee from Hashbrowns
Location Purchased: Hashbrowns / 731 W. Maxwell St. / Chicago, IL
Price: $2.00 + tax

Review: I'm not sure what brand of coffee Hashbrowns uses, but it is a medium roast that is served in a soup-bowl sized cup. The waitstaff at Hashbrowns were ready to refill my cup at any time despite the crowd, each member with their own trough of coffee. The only complaint about this large cup of coffee is that I have to waste so many sugar packets to get it to my ideal sweetness. That is more of a personal problem than a problem with Hashbrowns though. The price is right for a bottomless cup too, considering most modern coffeehouses charge this for a non-refillable cup.

If a small cup of this coffee to go were cheaper than Caribou, I may have found a replacement for the days that they are brewing only dark coffees. You can bet I will stop in to read the paper and sip if I have some extra time though.

Rating: 4.25 / 5

18th St. Omelette from Hashbrowns

Item Purchased: 18th St. Omelette from Hashbrowns
Location Purchased: Hashbrowns / 731 W. Maxwell St. / Chicago, IL
Price: $7.95 + tax

Review: I spent a long time waiting to try breakfast in this relatively new breakfast spot on the new and (un)improved Maxwell Street area of Chicago. One reason for waiting so long was the relatively high price they put on a simple order of three eggs and potatoes ($7.95). Though I still think this is a steep price for a simple breakfast, I neglected to realize that most of their specialty omelettes (named after streets and areas of Chicago) are available for the same price. The second reason I avoided Hashbrowns was due to the fact that someone whose opinion I place somewhere between Ebert's opinion of Gigli and the virtues of nuclear war raved about the place. You'd think I'd realize, after almost a year of reviewing every single purchase I make, that other people's opinions are virtually worthless. I suppose this is proof that even the best of us are sometimes affected by pettiness.

The truth is, Hashbrowns is a great little establishment tucked amidst several other too-hip-for-you college bars and restaurants. The decor is modest and the atmosphere is casual, even on a busy day like today. The waitstaff is friendly and attentive and the owner, Ron, is a respectable small business owner trying to make a living by offering good food and good conversation to his customers. Let me be one to say that he nails it.

The 18th St. Omelette is a chorizo omelette made with fresh and greaseless chorizo sausage just the way it should be. Accented with tomatoes, onions, jalepenos, cilantro and a homemade green salsa to add the final punch, this breakfast plate is more than I expected. The portion size is so large that I couldn't finish it, yet I desperately wanted to. I did, however, make sure to finish the signature sweet potato hash browns that come with every egg dish at hashbrowns. Delicious!

Lesson learned. I will definitely be back at Hashbrowns soon. If for nothing else, to try one of the four variations of their hash browns (the Ruler Hashbrowns look phenomenal!).

Don't let the depressing historical eraser of the modern Maxwell street turn you away, Hashbrowns is worth your time and worth your money.

Rating: 4.25 / 5

July 3rd - Previously Reviewed Purchases

[ Small Costa Rica Coffee From Caribou Coffee ($1.50 + tax) - Chocolate Chip Cookie from Caribou Coffee - Drum Rolling Tobacco (40 gr.) ]

Coffee from The Chicago Diner

Item Purchased: Coffee from The Chicago Diner
Location Purchased: The Chicago Diner / 3411 N. Halsted / Chicago, IL
Price: $2.35 + tax

Review: The Chicago Diner stresses that their coffee is organic and fair trade. I can get down with the organic part. I don't like drinking pesticides in my morning coffee. I'm not so sure about the fair trade part. I've been on the fence about this for a long time. Don't get me wrong, I want people across the world to earn a living wage for their industry, but I don't want fair trade price setting to urge people to produce an unwanted and wasteful abundance of something. I'm no economist, but it seems that if there is a higher price mandated for something, more people are going to want to get into producing that something. Are fair trade prices determined by laws of supply and demand?

The other thing I can't get down with is the Chicago Diner's insistance of brewing dark roasted earthy coffee. Though it tastes good, the burnt bean taste can sometimes be detected . We're not talking overkill like Starbucks, but there is still a tinge of "whoops, I forgot to turn the flame off" in this coffee. It is still enjoyable with six sugar packets and copious amounts of cream, but not worth the price set for me to pay.

Rating: 2.75 / 5

Scrapple from The Chicago Diner

Item Purchased: Scrapple from The Chicago Diner
Location Purchased: The Chicago Diner / 3411 N. Halsted / Chicago, IL
Price: $8.95 + tax

Review: Vegetarian scrapple has barely any similarities to carnivore scrapple. Scrapple is traditionally a sliced and fried mixture of cornmeal and ground pork. This dish is an amalgam of scrambled eggs, black beans, corn and cheese. Vegans are able to choose tofu instead of eggs and soy cheese instead of cheese that tastes good. I say this because I chose the soy cheese. I usually like vegetarian and vegan foods, but I am a Wisconsin boy and cheese is one thing you cannot replace with gluten and soy protein. It crumbles like styrofoam and tastes sweet and bitter at the same time. Next time, I know not to have this stuff on my eggs. Except for the soy cheese, the Chicago Diner's Veggie Scrapple was great. It comes served with a seitan sausage pattie that reminds me of Irish pudding, a moderately sized portion of chunked potatoes and a few slices of fruit (to get the soy cheese taste out of your mouth, I assume).

Everytime I look at the Chicago Diner's menu, I think that they are overpriced. Then, I order something and realize that this is all in my head.

Rating: 3.75 / 5

Bacon And Eggs from Miller's Pub

Item Purchased: Bacon And Eggs from Miller's Pub
Location Purchased: Miller's Pub / 134 S. Wabash Ave. / Chicago, IL
Price: $7.75 + tax

Review: A breakfast dish may not be everyone's ideal meal after a long day at work. Most people settle for something deep fried and a few cold ones. Well, I had the few cold ones, but I just didn't want to subject my stomach to any deep-fried foods (not that skillet fried eggs and bacon are much better, but whatever).

Miller's Pub is known for their proximity to the Palmer House Hilton Hotel, for their ribs and (if the blinking neon sign outside is any indication) their martinis. I say they are known for their great bartenders, Athenian Pita Medley appetizer and their late-night breakfast in a bar. Yum.

The three eggs I received were scrambled and fluffy, the bacon was crisp and the hash browns that came on the side were stale and rubbery. Two out of three isn't so bad. Next time I will get fries instead.

Rating: 3.75 / 5

July 2nd - Unreviewable Purchases

[ Iced Coffee from The Chicago Diner ($2.35) - Super Gyros from Chicago Diner ($8.95) ]

Note: These two items were purchased for my girlfriend, whose idea it was to go to the Chicago Diner for some great vegetarian breakfast. I only make it to the Chicago Diner a few times each year, but each time I do, I am amazed at what they are capable of in the realm of replacing and imitating meat.

July 2nd - Previously Reviewed Purchases

[ 2 Smithwick's Irish Ale (12 oz. bottle) ]

July 1st - Weekly Buy Nothing Day

Try not to fall into this pattern. Instead of manning the conveyer, try conveying something of yourself to someone. Whether it is through conversation or music or art or a simple touch, put down the plastics and paper for a minute or two. Let go of the cart handles and stand on two feet. Let the freefall turn into flight and at least make your life interesting before you are gone. Don't make it so a Sunday newspaper's ad section could double as your biography.