Special Investigative Review: Short Double Dark Cocoa from Starbucks (8 oz.)

Item Purchased: Short Double Dark Cocoa from Starbucks (8 oz.)
Location Purchased: Starbucks Coffee / Merchandise Mart / Chicago, IL
Price: $2.95 + tax

Review: I promised myself I wouldn't comment on the linguistic olympic event known as calling out the names and modifications for everybody's custom-built coffee drink. I promised myself I wouldn't count the number of times I heard the words "half-caff" (3) or "skim" followed by "mocha" (4). I promised myself I wouldn't pass judgement on each an every one of the customers ahead of me in the line at Starbucks this morning. So let's get straight to the drink at hand, shall we? I wouldn't want to break my promises.

Wait... that doesn't count, does it?

First, the Double Dark Cocoa is listed on the new cocoa drink menu behind the counter at the Merchandise Mart Starbucks, but nowhere to be found on the posters advertising these new drinks in the window. Perhaps the Double Dark Cocoa will become the sleeper hit of the coffeehouse chocolate drink arena this winter? My guess is that this is the least unique of the five new Chantico knockoffs, as well as the most similar to the original Chantico. Think of a run-of-the-mill hot chocolate with dark chocolate syrup mixed in to make you forget that there is any milk or water added at all.

The Double Dark Cocoa is only listed as available in Starbucks' short, 8oz. size on the menu, but when I ordered my drink, the cashier asked me what size I wanted. Unable to even fathom ingesting more than 8 oz. of liquid chocolate, I stuck with the short. After waiting for nearly ten minutes at this extremely busy Starbucks location, I was handed two nested 8 oz. cups. Steam piped from the sip hole and despite the double nesting of the cups, I could still make out the mud-dark liquid inside. My first thought was, "I paid $2.95 for a drink this size? I must be crazy!" My second thought was, "That looks like motor oil!" These are the lengths I'm willing to go for you, dear reader. To subject myself to a day's innaugeral ingestion at Starbucks should be loyalty enough, but no... I go that extra mile for you by purchasing a drink that costs nearly $.37/oz and resembles the dirt in my mother's garden on the day of a rainstorm.

Before tasting the Double Dark Cocoa, I did the sniff test. Putting my nostril right up to the hole in the lid, I gave a snork that would have made a stock trader from the 1980's proud. Instantly, my nasal passages were cleared of any excess blockage by a bitter sharp stream of steam. I could actually taste the chocolate in the back of my throat from just sniffing this drink. Next, I popped the lid off of my cup and peered inside. You know that oily glisten you get when you cook a bullion cube? That's what the surface of the Double Dark Cocoa looks like. Underneath the swirling oily skin, lies a menacing dark brown, almost the color of rust on a black car. The biting odor of the drink filled my personal bubble.

At this point, I wanted to flee. I'm not one for wasting money on something I am not going to use or enjoy in some way, but the Double Dark Cocoa (DDC) almost made me forget my ways.

Replacing the lid, I grasped the side of my chair with my left hand and prepared for impact. Slowly, I brought the tiny cup to my mouth and took a sip.

...

It burns! It burns!

You have to understand, I am extremely new to the pleasures of dark chocolate. Until very recently, I never liked the stuff. It was too bitter for my emerging tastes and always left a bitterness in my mouth after I was done. I am coming to realize, that the healthy aspects of dark chocolate that are touted by every woman I know and much of modern media, are probably only healthy if you indulge in them occasionally. 8oz. in one sitting is not occasionally, just in case you were wondering.

I can't say the DDC is all bad. My first couple of sips were actually quite enjoyable. The rich whole milk can actually be distinguished underneath the dark chocolate flavors, giving the DDC a dark/milk chocolate swirl effect. After those sips, however, the drink begins to weigh on you... quite literally. The closest approximation to the drink's texture that I can think of is that of apple sauce after you run it through your tightly clenched teeth a few times, only very very dark and very very chocolate. After finishing only a quarter of my cup, I could feel the chocolate flavored phlegm deposits forming around my tonsils, dripping into my esophagus and working their way with the rest of the drink to evenly coat my stomach like an inverted M&M.

After I drank 4 oz., I felt myself getting gassy and full. Bear in mind, I hadn't had anything to drink this morning before the DDC. I wanted to approach this drink as if it were a viable beverage to start the day off with. Sorry Starbucks. I'll stick with coffee. Not your coffee, but coffee nonetheless.

At 1 oz. left, I had to pop the lid off of my cup again to drain the rest of the thick liquid. When I finished, I looked at the inside of my cup and observed the chocoalte-streaked sides, the top of which were already dry and flakey. I can't even imagine what is happening to the inside of my stomach.

I may not even have to imagine, as I sit here with 8 oz. of thick fatty chocolate sauce in my gullet. I already feel sick and, much to the disappointment of the people sitting near me, can't assuage the gassy feelings deep inside of me. I fear I may need to find a restroom before departing the Merchandise Mart.

I never had the (dis)pleasure of trying the Chantico drink during its short life, but I imagine it to be exactly like this drink with less of the acidic dark chocolate flavor. With the rumblings I now feel, it is no wonder Starbucks doesn't advertise this drink on their window posters. "The Double Dark Cocoa! $3.00 for a stomach ache!" I can't imagine making this a regular part of my daily consumption. I can't even imagine taking another sip. If you love chocolate, you'll probably love the Double Dark Cocoa from Starbucks, but your body may not share your affections. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Rating: 1.5 / 5

Note: Well, that was fun. Thanks (I think) to all who voted on the original post. If anyone hears about any other products being tested out in Chicago, be sure to drop me a line and I'll see if I can work it into my budget to reviewthem. Write me at consumatron(at)consumatron.com. Now, excuse me while I cleanse myself of this experience.

Chantico Image via Jenguin's Flickr Photostream.