Chex Mix Peanut Lovers' (3.75 oz. bag)

Item Purchased: Chex Mix Peanut Lovers' (3.75 oz. bag)
Location Purchased: 7-Eleven / 1350 S. Halsted / Chicago, IL
Price: $1.09 + tax

Review: I was fiending for some junk food... Salty, mildly greasy and full of nutty protein junk food. The first thing that popped in my hungry head was Chex Mix. When I saw the purportedly "Peanut Lovers'" variety hanging on the racks at 7-Eleven, I knew someone was looking out for me.

Little did I know that my faith in the snack gods would be challenged.

Peanut Lovers' Chex Mix contains all of the salty grease-filled goodness that regular chex mix has. There are corn and wheat Chex marinated in a fine cocktail of vinegar, barley malt extract, distilled monoglycerides and other chemicals I can't pronounce (I believe their commonly known name is "tastiness"). There are small breadsticks and pretzels shaped like large peanuts. Admittedly, this is a pretty piss-poor gimmick. As if people who love peanuts (people like me), are going to soil themselves at the prospect of eating a pretzel that is shaped like a pretzel! C'mon General Mills! Don't bullshit me, feed me.

Ah... but I digress.

The final two ingredients promised by the packaging are, of course, peanuts. There is supposed to be two kinds of peanuts a plenty in each bag of this stuff. As an equal opportunity earthnut eater, I was equally excited by the honey and plain roasted peanuts guaranteed to be inside.

The first couple of handfulls from the bag came up peanut-free. Understandable. Peanuts are a dense foodstuff when compared to dried rice and corn. If I really wanted to get down to the protein pellets, I would have to do some serious munching to earn them. That's just what I did. I munched. As I neared the bottom of the bag, however, I began to sweat a bit. I had eaten two thirds of the contents of my snack bag without encountering a single peanut fragment and, let me tell you, the peanut-shaped pretzels were just starting to piss me off.

At this point, I decided to eat carefully and keep track of the number of nuts in this so-called peanut-lover's paradise.

Any bets on the grand total?

After a recount the scale of 2000, here are the totals:

Honey Roasted: 4 whole / 1 half
Plain Roasted: 2 whole / 3 halfs

All accounted for, that makes exactly 8 peanuts.

EIGHT PEANUTS IN A 3.75 OUNCE SNACK BAG MANUFACTURED FOR PEANUT LOVERS??

For shame, Chex. For shame.

I declare shenanigans.

Send me coupons.

Rating: 0.5 / 5

Buy some peanutless Peanut Lovers' Chex Mix from Amazon (it's only available as an eight pack on Amazon so maybe you will get enough peanuts for one bag): Consume.