Fresh Horseradish Root from Whole Foods (0.84 lb)

Item Purchased: Fresh Horseradish Root from Whole Foods (0.84 lb)
Location Purchased: Whole Foods Market / 1000 W. North Ave. / Chicago, IL 60622
Price: $4.19 + tax

Review: I'll admit it, I pulled the old 'innocent tourist' trick to get this big honkin' piece of horseradish. I've never seen raw horseradish before. The only knowledge I've had of it until now is those small disgusting packets of horseradish sauce you get at Arby's restaurants. You know the ones... They taste like ass pudding and tickle the nose hairs you never thought you had.

While in the produce section of Whole Foods today, I found the sign for horseradish, but it was among five or six other signs for vegetables I also did not have any experience with. I thought I knew which one it was, but I'm not the typical male who won't admit his lack of knowledge and continue driving in the wrong direction. No. I'm the type of male who will pretend he didn't even see the sign and ask the grocer if they have any horseradish at all, so as not to look completely uneducated.

Only serving to rub in the shame of asking for help in this way, the grocer took me over to the roots I had originally thought to be horseradish and pointed at them. This left me questioning where my shame came from at all. I know I don't know everything. Hell.. I don't even know all that much. Perhaps it was the drone-like competency of the rest of the Whole Foods customers that caused me to feel anxious and defensive... I don't know.

Regardless, I got this large hunk of horseradish that looks a bit like a bugle to me. I only needed three tablespoons of the root for the tofu bars I made, so I can still play bugler for quite some time.

Fresh horseradish is not nearly as strong as the mulched kind you buy in jars. It smells like dijon mustard and adds a great spicy flavor to whatever you sprinkle it atop. I have a feeling my fear of horseradish has been cured and I will be using this root much more in the future.

I better. There's a lot left!

Rating: 4 / 5

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15 Fresh Sea Scallops from Whole Foods

Item Purchased: 15 Fresh Sea Scallops from Whole Foods
Location Purchased: Whole Foods Market / 1000 W. North Ave. / Chicago, IL 60622
Price: $42.30 + tax

Review: I'd like to invite everyone to my next dinner party where I will be serving ramen noodles and Safeway brand soda in the can.

Holy jeez these scallops were expensive! $22.00/lb. But this dinner party was special. This was my non-holiday, pre-holiday dinner party, so I had to go all out... In honor of those people who don't feel comfortable with any holiday (me), but extremely comfortable with good seafood (me again).

I almost bought my scallops from Dominick's, but when compared to the selection at Whole Foods, Dominick's scallops looked like fleshy marbles in a bucket of sewer water. In the scallop world, mine were professional wrestlers, politicians or both. These suckers were big! Each one measured nearly three inches across pre-pan and two inches post-pan. After smothering them in a lemon vermouth sauce and bacon fat, these scallops were not only big, but famous. Even Theresa, who hates seafood, liked them!

So my question is, when will the investors come crawling out of the woodwork to pay for my own restaurant? Or maybe they could just cover my grocery bill for my dinner parties.

Whole foods offers fantastic fresh foodstuffs at a price that is set to attract people who know nothing about food and base quality on price. For the most part, Whole foods succeeds in backing their prices up with quality. These scallops are just one example. The flesh of the scallops was a healthy white rather than the sickly gray-pink hue most grocery store scallops have. I wouldn't buy these every week (even if I did have the money), but for special occasions, this is a fair price for quality seafood.

Rating: 4.25 / 5

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Dominick's Lower Sodium Sliced Bacon (1 lb.)

Item Purchased: Dominick's Lower Sodium Sliced Bacon (1 lb.)
Location Purchased: Dominick's / 3145 S. Ashland / Chicago, IL
Price: $4.72 + tax

Review: I once attempted to become a vegetarian. It lasted for three weeks and I blame bacon for my relapse. Really, is there any meat more delicious than bacon? The natural cooking grease derived from heating it up... The smell that wafts through the air and hangs there like a buffet of odor when you cook it... The alternating crunch and chew of its consistency. Mmmm... Bacon.

Yes, it's a pretty disgusting, fat filled, heart-stopping product sliced from a rooting animal, but when I gave up veggie and came back to the world of consuming flesh, I was like the protagonist in Salman Rushdie's Satanic Verses when he renounced his faith. I went out and bought a pile of bacon and proceeded to eat it on everything.

Now days, I rarely buy bacon to cook at home. A scallop recipe I am cooking called for two strips. What am I going to do with an extra pound of bacon? Eat it, of course.

Despite the lower sodium (note, it doesn't say "low" sodium), these plump strips of bacon are surprisingly salty. Not the best bacon I've ever had, but definitely not the worst.

Rating: / 5

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Dominick's Brand Plain Salt (26 oz.)

Item Purchased: Dominick's Brand Plain Salt (26 oz.)
Location Purchased: Dominick's / 3145 S. Ashland / Chicago, IL
Price: $0.47 + tax

Review: This purchase makes the story of Lot's wife (found in the manual of Christmas) that much more insulting. I mean, at $0.47 for every 26 ounces of salt, a one hundred pound woman who had been turned into a pillar of salt would only be worth about $28.93. I know she suffered from an incurable curiosity, but free will was a gift, right?

Salt is one of those things I use nearly every day in the attempt to clog up my veins with a substance resembling yogurt. Rarely does my supply run out, though. Ubiquity is one of salt's strength here in America. In fact, any place you see a potato, you are destined to see a container of salt. There comes a time, however, when one must replenish even the most common of culinary resources. This was one of those times. I hadn't realized plain, un-iodized table salt was so inexpensive. The next time someone posits the question, 'what can you get for a dollar these days?' I am going to respond: "A shit load of salt!"

As for the salt itself, it tastes... well... salty. How do you describe one of the basic tastes? I prefer the texture of sea salt or kosher salt, but when it comes to dissolving salt in water or seasoning recipes, good old table salt is the way to go and this will do just fine.

Hooray for edible rocks!

Rating: 3.5 / 5

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Goodness Greeness Certified Organic Garlic (2 heads)

Item Purchased: Goodness Greeness Certified Organic Garlic (2 heads)
Location Purchased: Trader Joe's / 1840 N. Clybourn Ave. / Chicago, IL
Price: $1.79 + tax

Review: You can always count on Trader Joe's to have fresh organic produce for a decent price. The one caveat is that you usually have to buy said produce in quantities larger than one. Fortunately, I eat a lot of garlic. Vampires got nothin' on me. I chop up a clove of garlic to make almost everything. Even if I'm just cooking up a couple of eggs, it is not uncommon for me to throw a little garlic in the frying pan and let it brown before cracking the shells.

As far as TJ produce goes, two of anything in a package is a small number. Avocados must be purchased in packages of four. Tomatoes usually come in threes.

This garlic is extremely fresh and is, on average, larger than most heads of garlic I purchase at the local Dominick's or Jewel. The warm fuzzy feeling comes with knowing that the garlic is organic, and hopefully the unfelt health benefits will come along with that. For now, I will take solace in the fact that this is a strong tasting, easy to chop, crush or mince garlic that will go well with the next "whatever" I cook up.

Rating: 4.75 / 5

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