Bacon Egg & Cheese Biscuit Meal (with hash browns & coffee) from McDonalds

Item Purchased: Bacon Egg & Cheese Biscuit Meal (with hash browns & coffee) from McDonald's
Location Purchased: McDonald's / Union Station / Chicago, IL
Price: $3.39 + tax

Review: Train station breakfast. What can be said about it? It sucks. It's rushed, it's cheap, it's greasy, it's half eaten in the station, half eaten on the train and half digested by the end of the day. Let me make it plain: I despise McDonald's and everything they stand for. I would rather eat shredded wheat with pickle juice than ingest a single french fry from McDonald's. I would rather fast for forty days and nights than feel the soggy cardboard texture of a McDonald's hamburger between my teeth. I would rather drink powdered milk mixed with tequila than taste the gristle of one of McDonald's shakes.

I do have one weakness though. That weakness is McDonald's breakfasts. I don't eat them often. I am not proud of the times I do. I am virtually trembling as I write this review. If there was ever proof that I review everything I buy here on Consumatron.com (even the embarassing purchases), this review is it.

My name is Kevin and I like McDonald's breakfast sandwiches.

Wow... that feels good to get that off of my chest.

McDonald's biscuits are dry and dusted with a light but powerful salt. They crumble into your mouth as your teeth meet the grease-caked egg puck and microwaved bacon. As the oils and sulfites swirl around your mouth, you can taste the unfair wages and stifling work environment. With each easy swallow of the heavily self-lubricated food, you can feel the saddle bags under your grease-stained t-shirt expand. But damn, it tastes good.

I like McDonald's bacon, egg and cheese biscuits. I don't feel good about it. No amount of guilt can explain the strain of pleasure I feel when I purchase one. I can, however, explain the strain I feel when I eat the accompanying foods in this breakfast value meal.

First, the hash browns. Anyone who has been to a McDonald's before 11:00 knows these disgusting things. Ovular potato discs sheathed in a tissue paper holster stained and glistening with fryer grease. They taste as if they are comprised of deep fried batter with no potatoes inside at all. Why not just deep fry a slice of Wonder Bread?

Finally, McDonald's new coffee. A few months ago, I began seeing ads all over the city of Chicago advertising McDonalds' new gourmet coffee. The ads depicted the old McDonald's coffee as plain and boring (right-o) while the new coffee was depicted as being well-dressed (check. McDonald's coffee now comes in attractive multi-hued tan cups), edgy (wrong) and bold (extremely wrong). I've had the displeasure of ingesting a lot of McDonald's coffee on train rides home and I am here to dispel the advertising mythology.

McDonald's new coffee tastes exactly the same as the old coffee! It is watery, weak and gives me gas that I'm sure all of my fellow Amtrak commuters appreciate. The only noticable difference in the coffee is that the cashier now serves as beginner barista by putting your cream and sugar in your cup for you. I'm not impressed McD! Your employees still look bored and cracked out and I doubt you have given any one of them a substantial raise for this tedious additional task they have to deal with every morning.

So, as a whole, the meal deal was a bust. But, oooooh that sandwich! So guilty! So greasy! So good.

Rating: 3 / 5