Dozen Large Eggs - Jewel Brand

Item Purchased: Dozen Eggs - Jewel Brand
Location Purchased: Jewel / 1224 S. Wabash Ave. / Chicago, IL
Price: $1.79 + tax

Review: The worst thing about buying eggs from the bottom rack in the dairy freezers is having to root through a dozen or more cartons before finding a dozen uncracked eggs. I am not the type of person to mix and match. I'm sorry. I like to imagine that no one who shops at my local grocery store mixes and matches. I don't like to think of some stranger's grubby, snotty hands palming the eggs I am going to make my omelette with. So, I don't palm other people's eggs either, whether my hands are snotty or not. I know other customers of my local Jewel probably do mix and match their eggs, but just let me live in my happy delusional world, okay?

The worst thing about buying store brand eggs is that each egg yolk usually looks like it has chicken sperm floating in the middle of it. The chicken sperm is probably really a byproduct of the amalgamation of growth hormones the chickens were injected with while forced to live their short lives in cramped cages, pecking each other's eyes out.

I try not to let these factors gross me out too much, because as gross as it all is, eggs are still eggs. I mean think about what an egg is.

I'll give you a moment.

Still hungry for that omelette?

Yeah, me too.

I wish I could afford to buy organic eggs like all of the high-rise dwellers that live around me, but I can't. So until then, I'll stick with these tasty chicken placentas.

Just be sure to cook your eggs well, what with the avian flu and all.

Rating: 3.5 / 5